SaraMae’s NDE

Kate:

Welcome back to the Awakening Conversations podcast. My name is Kate. I’m here with my cohost Amanda. And today we are joined by one of my favorite human beings in the whole world. Saramae Hollandsworth. Saramae is here to share with us her incredible story of awakening, her near death experience that resulted in the loss of her legs. Her life is an incredible testament to the strength of the human spirit and what is truly possible and how we can overcome some incredibly challenging things to be a woman of service and how that can help others. To give you a little bit more info about who Saramae is, she has been a wellness and fitness professional for over 20 years. She’s a level three fascia stretch specialist, certified personal trainer, an integrated nutrition health coach and a go -ruck athlete and ambassador.

 

She’s a nonprofit founder committed to helping America’s warriors heal from and thrive beyond the injuries and impacts of Judy. She is the Oregon co -leader of So Everybody Can Move, a state -based legislative movement to expand access to physical activity prostheses. Health and fitness have been her life’s work and it is her passion to pay it forward. Saramae, we’re so excited to have you on our podcast. 

 

Saramae:

Thank you so much for having me. I’m excited to be here with you.

 

Kate:

Okay, so Saramae, you have said that on some level I was always awakening and it’s like I was born knowing that was my mission. Can you share with us then your journey through life, which, you know, with this knowing that you are here to awaken and what that looked like for you, how that showed up in your life and how that then, you know, what that was like for you before you were led to this major awakening and near death experience and loss of your legs. What was life like for you as you traversed that part before? And how did you know you were awakening? How did you really know that that was part of what you have come here for? 

 

Saramae:

Well, I remember feeling like a weird kid a lot because I just didn’t relate to really anyone around me. And I was very much an internalizer because I don’t know how to explain just having this knowing.

 

It manifested and looked like me spending a lot of time in the library. I was constantly reading and learning. And I always want to credit my parents to an extent as well, because I just remember there was a lot of dysfunction in the household. My dad struggled with addiction until I was five and they did their best while they were, you know, in the middle of chaos and dealing with the dysfunction and they didn’t necessarily fully break the cycles per se, they did turn a light on for me, because I was annoyed, they wanted me to go to therapy, they said, you know, essentially, don’t do what we do, you know, do something different, it doesn’t necessarily have to be this way, but they couldn’t really, they didn’t model that, they didn’t necessarily give me the tools, but they at least turned that light on, which I think just really.

 

Echoed that internal knowing that I had as well. And so I just kind of was like it’s up to me I’m on my own. I’m gonna figure it out. So I read a lot of like autobiographies anything I could find about people who had had difficult pasts and You know gone on to do something impressive Break the cycle achieve whatever that looked like. I wrote book reports for myself

 

and read the encyclopedia. I was just an odd, I was an odd duck. Very serious and kind of advanced for my age. Because again, I was like not trying to talk about cartoons or play on the playground. I was like, we got work to do. Because I also love people. And so I had this feeling of not only do I need to save myself, so to speak, but I want to.

 

save, help, serve as many people as possible. And so that was just kind of a heavy weight that I bore while also trying to traverse, you know, growing up and different things like that. And, you know, with Ebb and Flow, it was kind of like there was a switch, because as we know, it can be challenging, especially at times when we do feel maybe alone or ahead of our close circle or family or different things like that.

 

At times it would feel like it was too big of a price to pay and so it’s almost like I would flip the switch off and that became, I had to pay increasingly. More intense, I feel like, consequences for doing that. So I’m now at a point where I’m like, I cannot afford to turn the switch off. I just get to awaken and continue to grow and answer that call. But.

 

Yeah, that’s just something that always drove everything that I did. I think that’s why I’m also so grateful that I got into fitness as like a teenager. I was kind of ahead of the game on that too. And I just knew, okay, I can overcome physically. And it was especially healing and liberating when I would feel like maybe things at home would be really difficult, but I knew that I could go out the front door and run and achieve like a new

 

PR or a level of freedom in that way or lift weights and you know lift more weights and get stronger. I felt free in the physical aspect which has been like such a blessing and at times a curse and a crutch as we know there’s kind of always a light and darkness to kind of everything when it’s in balance or out of balance. So fitness has just really been my literally like my everything in so many different ways it’s been I can’t.

 

say enough about what it’s done for me. 

 

Amanda:

Sarah Mae, there is a lot in there that I could relate to with regards to the feeling weird, right? Feeling like I’m not sure how I fit in and feeling, well, for me, it was a little more unconscious as far as like needing to, felt like I came here to heal something within the dysfunction of my family. So I can relate to that. So thank you for sharing that. 

 

Kate:
I’m going to piggyback off what you said, because that was good. Yeah, so I think it’s incredible that we can come into life knowing, you know, both of you have just spoken to that there is this sense of, I am here for a purpose, you know, to come into that so early in your lives is a beautiful gift. You know, it’s taken me, I mean, actually, I would say I always felt like I was here for something more, but I didn’t really have any context for it, which I think both of you have just spoken to, you know, a sense of your lives have shown you a bit of what what it actually is and the setting with it, with it, you grew up in that that may have been a part of it. so Saramae I know that your, your path to really living that, that knowing and that mission has been even more enhanced, I guess, but despite the fact that part of you had to go as you really got to, you know, a point in your life where, as you said, there were these moments where you turned off that. And there was a consequence to that. And can you share with us then how, you know, the, let’s say maybe the denying or the opting out of this mission led you to an experience in your life where it really had a major consequence on that physical body that loved to be fit. And what happened for you as you stepped into that experience of awakening in your life? 

 

Saramae:

Yeah, it’s very much in order to really do that. I, that flipped the switch, you know, it’s like you have to turn off that knowing, which that’s like our lifeline, right? That’s the don’t go here, it’s dangerous, go here, there’s treasure here. You know, I did that a few times and I can look back, I could just so easily know when I made that decision. And it was largely for me, like, I’m gonna have to leave my family behind, I’m gonna have to maybe change this friend group, because it was so hard for me, because I did love people so much. It was like, I don’t wanna do that, but then I can see how it things got harder and darker and again, turning that off, it’s like that pain, that those pain receptors aren’t on. And so there’s almost like not an alarm. It’s like being in a house and this is really, you know, it got increasingly difficult because I’ve heard that I forget the quote, something to the effect of like, we’re accountable for what we know. Right. So it’s like, I might’ve turned that off, but I already knew certain things. And so I had a higher level of accountability because I already knew those things. And so it was like being in a house that was on fire without a fire alarm going off. And I mean, there were like levels and layers and cycles of that happening until the, you know, the most intense one, which then literally was leading to my loss of life near death, and eventually losing my legs. Because I actively at that time was in a very toxic relationship that every alarm bell in me was screaming. And I felt trapped. I felt like I was in over my head and I was stuck and I couldn’t find a way out. And it just all of that stress, all of that toxicity. And again, I was an internalizer by nature and I’m kind of a, just suck it up tough it out, I was too tough. And I just took all that in into my body with nowhere to go. There was no, I didn’t scream, I didn’t yell, I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t cry out, I didn’t let any of that out. And it’s like I went from thriving one second to dying the next. I mean, I was arguably my physically fittest at the time, but everything that was going on around me eventually manifested in my body, which then, I mean, one second I was sprinting up stadium stairs with weight on my back and the next I was on life support in a medically induced coma not expected to live. 

 

Amanda:

I’ve had a kind of sense of knowing recently was about how near death experiences sometimes are, a lot of times are those experiences to remind us of why we came here, of what we came here to do. What you’re speaking to is not being, you know, going in another direction, not like veering from the mission in order to get us back on track. We have to have something to jolt us into that remembrance and to remember why we chose this path in our lives. Would you say that that was your experience, number one? And then number two, could you share with us what for, I know Kate knows your story, but for me and for the audience, can you share a little bit about what happened in your experience? 

 

Saramae:

Yeah, for sure. They’ll kind of answer each other, but. So I had had low back and hip pain when I was running up those stadium stairs. And if I remember correctly, it was kind of like a couple days leading up to it. But because I had turned off essentially that switch and the pain receptor of like, I’m in this really painful relationship, then that pain didn’t register into my consciousness. Cause I had kind of buried that down. So I wasn’t I mean, it was probably a level 10 pain and I was probably like, it’s a two. But again, it got worse and worse and worse until I was crawling around the house and I had a fitness competition in two weeks. And it’s sad to think, but I was like, I better go to the hospital so I can make sure that I can walk out on stage in two weeks. Not like, there’s something seriously wrong. So I went into the ER and they just said, we think you have sciatica. Gave me morphine and sent me home.

 

And then when I went home, I just remember going in and out of consciousness and sweating profusely. And I think over that, it was around 24 hours and I turned to somebody and said, I’m dying. And they rushed me back into the hospital. And I mean, I was, they instantly took me back and said, she’s probably not going to make it. And put me into that medically induced coma. I went into multi -system organ failure.

 

My blood pressure was crashing, tanking, and so all the medications that they gave to stabilize my blood pressure that kept my blood flowing to my vital organs and my brain made me lose blood flow to my hands and my feet. And eventually, after about two weeks, which I’ll include what was going on in the coma, but I finally, every time they tried to bring me out, I would crash and I couldn’t.

 

I couldn’t sustain coming out of a coma until two weeks. They were able to bring me out. And when I woke up, they said, we’re going to have to amputate your legs. And I told them to kick rocks and that didn’t happen right away. but ultimately to have a high quality of life and activity, I did have to make the decision to amputate my legs. both my legs below the knees, but I went through limb salvage trying.

 

Not to do that because again, as an athlete, I did not want to give up a part of my physical body. And to me, that was my worst nightmare that I couldn’t even imagine doing. but to back up when I was in the coma, I’ll kind of answer your other question is I was experiencing my own. Like death, murder and torture on a loop for those two weeks. And it was just, it was the wildest, wildest experience, but the two main themes that were going on that I just, I continue to think like I’m so grateful that I had all of the battles and all of the growth and the challenges leading up to that point because it was already ingrained and encoded in my, in my spirit, my soul, because again, I was like experiencing different forms of my death. And then there was like a voice of presence and awareness, whatever it was that was like if you would just quit fighting, all of this suffering can end. But I had a knowing that that meant my death, that would be agreeing to die. And so I just kept fighting through these different forms of torture and things that are just unimaginable. And then there was like a theme of like essentially selling my soul. There was this, you can have X, Y, and Z. And there was never like, but here’s the dotted line. It just promised me everything I could ever want. But again, I just, there was a part of me that knew like I’d be selling my soul somehow. And so I just kept like, I was like, I choose love. I don’t, I just choose love. And I think it helped because one of the ways in which that was presented was literally like a pimp showed up and said you’re gonna have all of this and I’m like, I don’t think I should trust you. But I just kept denying that, but it was really interesting. So I was like, those were the two big battles of, you know, essentially giving up and agreeing not to live anymore, but not having that really spelled out to me. And then essentially selling my soul. So it just felt like the ultimate test of someone’s soul really, like, do you choose to live and can your soul be bought for, I don’t know, it was just so interesting. And then it kept going for like those two weeks and then suddenly I came out of a coma. And what was so cool about that is, I mean, every doctor came up to me and they looked like they’d seen a ghost and they just said, we have no medical explanation for how you are alive. And I was like, well, there’s some wacky things going on for me behind the scenes.

 

Amanda:

What was the actual cause of you to go into that state initially? 

 

Saramae:

Their best guess, my body couldn’t handle diagnostics because I was just dying. But after the fact, I went and saw the surgeon that was going to amputate my legs. And I said, I’m having still extreme hip pain, which is what brought me to the hospital in the first place. Will you look at my hip? And so they think their best guess is that I had a septic hip joint, maybe a stress fracture that went undiagnosed and became septic. So basically it was MSSA. It’s a different form of MRSA and my body was in septic shock. So those are the things that almost killed me and I think that’s what it was, but we’re not for sure. 

 

Kate:

What an incredible, incredible story and incredible experience. As you said, those two weeks in the coma, you know, it’s always so interesting to hear from people who have been, you know, in that maybe even liminal space and having a call something that you can remember that is this, you know, coming to terms with parts of yourself, seeing where, as you said, like, you’re going to choose this pain and the suffering and when you said, you know, there was this, you know, feeling or questioning of like, if I choose this, I will die. Do you feel like in some ways through that experience, it’s like, well, this way of being, this way of operating, this way of choosing the pain, this way of ignoring this knowing is the part that had to die. Like how did you bring that forth then as your eyes opened into your life, that those experiences that say behind the veil there that you had in that time? 

 

Saramae:

It’s so funny that you asked that because I literally had like another layer that just recently and it’s kind of really been the unraveling and to go back to like this whole awakening journey, you know, fitness was my thing and it’s been kind of the school that I’ve learned through and the ways in which I’ve expressed myself but I also got introduced to body work probably like between 18 and 20. I don’t remember exactly how old I was but that’s what really started me kind of on the healing journey. I had done, you know, the physical and the mental, but then just opened me up to that whole world of healing, which I did not, I would say, while I’d learned a lot, I did not integrate that until, unfortunately, I was not given another choice. And of course I had a choice, but coming home from, you know, my body was my idol, unfortunately. I got like best body in high school. I did fitness competitions. I was a bikini model.

 

That was really where my worth and my value came from. And so I just remember, first of all, what my body went through in the hospital and what it looked like and coming out. I mean, I went in competition ready. My body ballooned up to like a gain, like 40 pounds. And then, cause it was from fluid, cause my kidneys had shut down and then dropped down to where I had lost that 40 pounds and an additional 40 pounds of muscle.

 

And I left looking like a Holocaust survivor and then had done my legs amputated. And I didn’t really have anyone in my life. I didn’t have a support system. I had left that relationship shortly after that. And I just had to face everything. Cause in fitness, that’s where I got to, I mean, I was a runner and I ran literally and figuratively. I ran from this thing that I didn’t want to face. And so.

 

I just realized like, A, I get to decide what all of this means. And while I feel like I can’t control much, I get to decide that this is going to make me better and before me, which the journey of that’s a whole nother story. But then the other piece was who’s going to love me. Like it’s up to me. I wear, you know, having a six pack and all those things made me feel like I deserve my love. It was like, okay, you’re at the worst, like you can’t, you know, it’s so difficult to imagine and I couldn’t imagine. Sometimes it’s easier to be like, okay, if this had happened to someone I love, how would I treat them? I think it’s a lot easier for us to be unkind to ourselves. And so a lot of times I would kind of step outside of myself and look at myself and was like, well, of course I would treat her with love and respect and reverence. Like she almost died.

 

She’s alive, like she made it through hell. We’re going to be good to her. And so then that journey, and I mean, I was in a wheelchair and then I didn’t have feet. And then that whole journey, I had nowhere to run. So, I mean, I couldn’t even do like a leg lift without half my leg. I was so weak. And so that’s when I finally faced off with all of those parts of myself that didn’t feel worthy and lovable. And that was really like the greatest liberation.

 

I cannot believe still to this day that I am fully confident, fully, like I mean for when I could take my prosthetic off in public anywhere and not feel the least bit uncomfortable about it. I fully accepted myself and that blows my mind. I’m just like that, that feels like a real trophy. But all of that, that learning to honor her, I’ve just now recently was like, I don’t have to suffer. Like I think I believed that I had to and so my way of getting power over that, of feeling like I had the power was to choose to suffer, which there’s still, I still believe that there’s character, there’s goodness in doing hard things and being able to suffer. But this feeling of like I have to so I might as well. I just, the light bulb just went off in a series of things that have happened recently and now it’s this reintegrating of what is life look and feel like knowing I don’t have to suffer. I’m figuring that out. 

 

Amanda:

It’s interesting that you said about how for you, it sounds like running was your coping mechanism to deal with the situation that you came into. And then, and I think for a lot of us, those coping mechanisms work for a while until it’s, we get to a point and probably you had done growth up into that point where it’s like, well, now you have to let go of that coping mechanism to really go where you’re meant to go in this lifetime. That’s like probably the most challenging, right? The biggest challenge of your life, but also what you said, the most freeing and liberating as well, because you’re able to release that coping mechanism that you require to deal with that stage, that previous stage of your life.

 

So I’m curious about two things. I’m curious how long ago this happened and also it sounds like there is a very clear delineation in your life, like your life before and your life after. Could you kind of speak to it from your perspective? What was your life before and compared to now? Like what have you taken away and learned from this growth process that’s come from that experience? 

 

Saramae:

So this all happened about 10 years ago and it’s really cool because there was this process of losing and letting go. There was a process of losing and letting go to fitness to, you know, my identification with my body and aesthetics and different things like that. And there was just this heartbreak and this loss and grief and all of that. But what’s been so neat is everything has come back because those were for one that was meant to be.

 

I look back and I’m like, I was always prepared for this. Like me being the weird kid who was just so driven and had to figure it out and was doing things that most kids are not doing, doing things that most kids are not doing, I believe was placed there on purpose. And they were meant to be a part of my life. And they, so now everything has really come full circle and it’s like, I let go of those things as my coping mechanisms, as my crutch, as my idol, as the things in which I externalize my value and my worth and also use, it’s kind of like the dark side of them fell away. And then now it’s come full circle and there’s this integration that’s happening that they’re back in my life and they’re still a part of my mission, but that it’s from a healed whole place and getting to use them because they were ways in which I grew, but they were also ways in which I served others. And so now that service is from you know, such a higher place. And there’s that balance between the body work and what I do with, you know, the fascia stretch therapy and the fitness and how they really balance each other. And there’s, and that’s just really the, the message that I’m constantly learning and getting better at is how to have, you know, balance and harmony. And again, there’s the balance with that suffering piece. Like there’s good, there’s good things about suffering, but not when you believe that you have to and then you can create your own suffering unconsciously and unknowingly that can harm you. 

 

Kate:

So, Saramae, I know that through this process, at least since I’ve known you, that what you also have now in your life is this deep, deep trust in, you know, or a connection to your inner guidance. Now, you have spoken to the fact that you did know you had a mission.

 

I mean, through this experience, how has that really become something that’s so front and center for you? Because I, I’ve witnessed you in your life now, especially, you know, within the last six months, let’s say three months, let’s say where you are in this place of almost like, let’s say total surrender, because it seems like from then near -death experience, it’s really been about how can you let go of many, many, many things to come to this place of.

 

You know, and I always like to put my hands out because I do, I just see you totally receiving life, receiving that guidance, asking the questions, being in this really beautiful, ask and receive, ask and receive, act on things that you’re just like, what? And I know Amanda gets a lot of synchronicity in her life and you two are probably the people that I look at and like, wow, that’s so amazing to see how that works in your life. But you know, you really do get like Amanda does just this, I’m here now. And then, this comes up. Okay, I’m going to just move over here and have this experience and then look at that. Now I’m going to move over here. So, you know, that’s, that’s a massive process, but can you speak to what that connection for you is like now, how that’s really unraveled and, you know, this place that you are now, because it’s, it’s a real guiding force in your life now that does for you really also bring home that there is this great admission and what that great admission is that you feel in your bones that you are doing as your highest form of service now. 

 

Saramae:

There’s a lot of things in that. So if that’s such a good, that has been, I mean, obviously the, the main thing, right? Like my whole life. And that’s what was so painful about all of this is that’s how I got through life. Early on was that knowing I followed that knowing my intuition, my gut just knew that I knew. And then at that point, you know, leading up to enduring when I almost died, I had shut that off. But I also, I think I blamed it. So anyways, I lost trust in myself, I lost trust in guidance. And up until honestly, I mean, I did like two, two and a half years of therapy and then kind of came to an end of that. And then I really feel like I dove into my spiritual relationship with God more and myself. So there was this work that was done that felt like kind of the final piece of healing, because I just did not trust myself in the slightest. And I did not trust God. And I was like, or my gut, you know, any of that. And so it was hard because I had all of this guidance. But I was like, I don’t trust any of you. And so I was, I was stuck for a long time and it’s hard because I’m always growing. So being stuck still looked pretty okay. Cause it was like, I’m still growing, but I felt paralyzed. It was like, like freeze, you know, fight flight or freeze. I was just like, I don’t know where to go. And I don’t know like at what the tipping point was and what the turning point was, but I finally, I guess I just did a trust fall, but I know it was a lot of the work leading up, but it was finally like, okay, I’m gonna trust again. And I just decided to keep acting on that and keep allowing that. And it’s so funny that you say surrender because I’m like the worst. I love, I like can’t tell you how much. It’s like when people tell me I’m patient now, cause I’m like, well, I was forced into patience if you would have known me before. And now I do.

 

I feel like I have a large capacity for patience, but same with surrender. I say that I surrender savagely, which is usually forced into it, kind of. I hit the wall, and now my walls aren’t as hard, because I don’t want to pay that big of a price. So I maybe bump my head now, and I’m like, there we are again. But I… You know, I’m just believing and trusting. And of course there’s good days and bad, and that’s all a process like any relationship with anyone and anything of that. But I do believe, and I did end up in the hospital recently for like a health experience. And it’s been a really interesting health experience. That sounds weird. With a, I guess an injury, we’ll call it an injury. But it was so cool because I had told Kate that there’s just been all this full circle -ness coming in my life of

 

Okay, we’re here again. And I really feel like I’ve been learning about redemption and I believed that my life would be redeemed, but all this would mean something. And I thought redemption was going to be like a parade in which it’s Sarah Day and all of this stuff has come and yay. What I’m learning is at least for me, redemption has been like, you know, that scary place. We’re going to go there and we’re going to walk through it together and we’re going to come out the other side. And this time,

 

it’s gonna have like victory or purpose or there’s gonna be like a redemption in it. But it has required and this is where the trust has been. I mean, I wouldn’t be here without it. I just had to trust that I could go into the scary abyss and then I’d be okay and I’d come out and I’m still, I’m doing that in so many areas at once, which is very challenging and exciting and somewhat overwhelming. And that’s where I told Kate, I should have seen it coming that I would end up in the hospital again. And I did.

 

I had something that was one of the things that I had when I did almost die. And so there was this experience of like, this is like the scariest of the scary places. And this, you know, I drove myself and it was like this time where last time I was just so far gone, I wasn’t really aware. This time I was very aware going through it. And at the moment didn’t have that like, this is probably one of those redemptive things. I was like, no.

 

I can’t go here like it doesn’t end don’t let it end like this and I was just going through the scary stuff but then I remember I was getting an IV and tears just started rolling down my eyes and it wasn’t the pain and it wasn’t the fear it was like these are old this is the pain from what happened and I’m huge on the body keeps a score and that has 5 ,000 been that if I could do a tagline to my life it’s that.

 

But it was that and I was like, and so I sat there and witnessed and allowed those tears to come out. And then while I was in and out of fear, I also had that, okay, this isn’t the same. This doesn’t have to have the same outcome. I can go through this and feel the feelings that are associated with it, but I can come out free.

 

on the other side because I believe I’m just going to trust. I didn’t have evidence, right? In fact, I probably have evidence to the opposite, but I was like, I’m going to trust that I’m being protected, that I’m being guided. I’m going to trust, which for me, it was really difficult to trust, you know, the doctors and every like the power. It was that surrender. I’m just going to trust that I’m going to be okay. And I am okay. Thank goodness. But I was like, okay. Well, that feels like the bow on all of the other little things that I’ve been led through really this last like year to two years. And now I’m kind of excited to see what comes from it. And that was kind of that. Okay, I don’t have to suffer and I don’t have to, because it was kind of an old, I did, I went a lot easier in a workout than I normally would. And I was really kind to my body compared to how I would normally be. And so I was really surprised that I ended up in the hospital, but it was still that.

 

I just noticed there was like a hair of the old me that was going too hard for something that, you know, didn’t need to be. It was like, there’s no value in this. I’m not doing anything. I didn’t have to do this because I just wasn’t conditioned for it. You know, on another day, great. Like I could do it and it would be fine. But I was like, I just wasn’t as thoughtful to my body as I could be. And while just because I can do it doesn’t mean that I should or that I have to to type of a thing. And it just was like a full circle shedding of an old piece of me that I didn’t realize was still there. And it just feels really, I just feel good. I don’t yet know what’s coming from it, but just trusting that where we’re guided and what we’re being asked to learn and let go of. And now it feels like I’ve done so much letting go.

 

I’m really excited to see what new things come in and drop in and, you know, being expectant and excited and surrendered because I don’t know what that is. 

 

Amanda:

I feel what came through for me when you were talking is that how the healing spiritual path is sometimes we have these intense growth periods or changes, right? Where it jolts us out of a habit or a pattern. But to go about our life, things are more gradual, like we’re doing the work and it’s gradual. And I think sometimes we have to go back to an old experience or an old pattern to both recognize how far we’ve come, right? Like you went into that experience with a completely in a completely different way because of all the things you all the experiences and work you’ve done on yourself with yourself since the last experience in the hospital, it sounds like you could see that you’ve changed so much. And then also what came up is how there’s likely unprocessed trauma and emotion from that previous experience that only was able to come up through going through that experience again to sort of relive it, right? And that you’re able to allow it to flow, right? Through the tools that you have and it sounds like with your work, you know, you’re releasing trauma from the tissues. And so, you know, while on the surface, we can think that going to the hospital with an experience that was, you know, so life changing before could be, you know, on the surface, it’s like a bad experience. But I think what the process is of this journey is recognizing that there are gifts in the struggles, right? And it sounds like you see that you know that there’s something ahead for you. You don’t know what it is, but there’s something ahead for you from going through this experience and just, you know, there doesn’t seem to be any like allowing it to come when it’s ready to come for you. 

 

Saramae:

Yeah, absolutely. And I just I felt like the last year or two years I’ve been walking through places that I wasn’t free or healed, right? And then in the walking through them and coming out of them redemptively, correctively, however you want to look at it. That’s what that was. And that’s that place where up until that happened, I would have, my greatest fear has been going to the hospital for any reason. Right. And so that was a place that owned a large amount of real estate in like my psyche. And so it was just so cool. Even I went to the doctor leading up and I decided I didn’t even wait for the doctor to get back. I took myself like those self advocating and showing up for myself. And then now like there’s not that, I mean, who wants to go to the hospital? Nobody, let’s be real. But I mean, I guess there’s once in a while good reasons, but just recognizing that I don’t have that terror there anymore. That level of freedom is so priceless. And it’s like, I wouldn’t have, I couldn’t have, you know, manifest about myself. I’m just going to go to the hospital and tell myself I’m fine. It’s like, I had to go through it. And now I’m like, I can’t tell you how like relieved I feel knowing that like even right now I’m just like. Cause I did all that body work. when I went through the training for the fascia stretch therapy, that was like legendary life changing. Crying when they were poking me with needles and stuff was so good. And then now I just feel so light, so much lighter. And that’s. Yeah. 

 

Kate:

I think that part of your story really is a great example of how, you know, the, the ceiling path and the awakening path is not a linear process. It’s not like we have one experience we deal with all this shit and then we’re like, okay, that’s done. What’s next that it is like the cracking open it’s really you know as I say this I just feel like some of these awakening experiences is just like yeah let’s crack this egg and now we’re gonna clean up the mess the first pass with that paper towels you get most of it or some of it and there’s a bit of shell that sits over here under the we didn’t see that bit we’ll have to come back and clean it up later but you know that way you know the beautiful thing is that yes it cracks us open we can do the healing recognize what needs to be shifted, we go in, we make, we work with that and then we grow from that and then it does, it gives us that greater capacity then to hold more so that exactly we can spiral back again to really tidy that up. And what I really love about what you shared is how that really isn’t this ultimate liberation to get to witness ourselves as we have grown and to see that, no, I can face probably the worst nightmare of being back in the hospital with something that you had prior. Because even when you sent me the message and said you’d been there and that’s what you had, I had a moment. I was like, no, not yet. No, please don’t do that. So I can only imagine what it was like for you. But to be able to have yet another transformative experience, to be just like, actually, look at what comes from showing up for these things, doing the healing physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, to then have this capacity to hold challenge, but also just to come out and liberate the self, liberate the body, the soul, you know, cause I just see the lightness in you and how also with the combination of being able to learn to trust in the deepest parts of our being that we are being held, we are being guided. This is by me, for me, however you feel comfortable holding these experiences. Like, you know, I just feel like your story just shows how the most extreme situation that, you know, we are held, you know, this life and everything we’re going through is for the ultimate realization of who we are, what we can feel, you know, yours is such a cracking open and delayering of, of, of well, in many cases, how the family system came in and breaking through from that to have this ultimate redemption of like, I get to come here and experience myself as a sovereign free being, me, you know, letting go of all of these things to then feel this deep connection to life and be then of service in this beautiful way where all of my struggles get to be how I help others. So it’s just incredible.

 

Can you share with us then? sorry, Amanda, you go. No, you go. 

 

Amanda:

So I just want to add is how important that that cultivation of trust that happens from going through this to make the next time so much easier allows us to navigate things on a much different level because of that cultivation of trust. Like for myself, I’ll just say like going through a hard time more recently in my life. I’ve that surrender peace can happen and when we surrender and we don’t fight when you know It’s it’s like you saying the suffering happens because we’re fighting and if we can surrender even though it sucks What we’re going through if we can surrender to it. It moves us through it. It moves us through it with such more Smoothness and grace and it gets us to the other side with so much more easily than when we’re fighting it and we’re like, I hate that I’m here. Like we’re resisting everything about it. So that knowing that, okay, I don’t like this, but there’s something in it for me, even when we’re in it, it’s easier to have been done and you only get that through going through this process, right? Like doing the work of cultivating the trust. But then on the other side, it’s what you just described that you went through it. Maybe it was hard, but it also, it sounded like it was like a much easier process than the first time around. You got through it and you’re on the other side. So that surrender, the self -trust, it’s huge that it helps us continue to go up that spiral. 

 

Saramae:

Yeah, it really does. And I even, like I was alone this time, hit kind of a pain point in me and it was so funny. It’s just how you…like the healed you just see is willing and able to see things so differently. I was like, how would I know that I was held and supported and protected if there were people doing it for me? I don’t know, there was just this like the absence of being experiencing that alone in the absence of like the crutches kind of we’re talking about. And of course we want support externally and in life tangibly as well. But there was something about it being stripped down that I was just really invited. I think that was where the trust came in, because it wasn’t like I was borrowing someone else’s trust, or I was just like, hey, I’m alone with it, kind of like I was in the coma and some of those things. And it was just like, what am I going to choose? And that’s where I was like, middle of the night. And that’s usually when like, PTSD and some of that panic comes in and so I was there and I watched, I was hooked up to a machine, they had a heart rate monitor so I would notice how every time I would cry, every time I would go to fear it would spike and then all the alarms would go off and that would freak me out but I was like, what helped about that is I’d go okay and so I’d make myself stop, I’d freak out and I’d breathe and then I’d watch it come down and I was like, okay. So I also really got to see how what I was allowing myself to kind of plug into and buy into emotionally and mentally how that was manifesting physically and how much control I had over that. And so when I laid there and wanted to be afraid, I would like kind of look at the monitor and like the monitor’s okay. I’m okay. Like I can trust. I was like, what am I going to do? I, me with Surrender is like, what do I do with my hands? That’s how I feel. So laying there, like I just I wanted to fight in some way. I’m wired that way. Like I can fight. And I was like, no, like you doing that is making this happen on a monitor. And so that’s where I was like, obviously what I meant to do is like surrender and sleep and rest. But then I’m like, who’s running the show? That’s kind of how it feels. But I’m just like, all right, this is the ultimate opportunity to trust. And I’m going to trust that I’m held, that I’m protected, that everyone’s doing what they need to do and I’m going to make it through. And it was like, and this is, I don’t know if you guys experienced this, but I feel like with any of these things and our growth and our learning, if you’re like, I’m going to believe this new thing, it’s like everything points to the opposite at first. That’s faith and that’s choice. And so that was like, I was like, okay, I’m going to trust and my numbers doubled they needed to go down and they doubled that first night and I was like, god, this is not good, this is not good and I was so scared. And then I tried to really trust night two and I woke up the next day and it was like, they’ve stayed the same and I had this, okay, well am I gonna be sad, am I gonna fear? And I was like, well, at least they didn’t double. So I chose that perspective.

 

And then again, I just was like, hey, I’m going to really trust. And I really deepened in that. And then they went down in half that night. It was like when I finally trusted, they went down in half and then I trusted again and they went down in half again. And I was like, okay, it was just so interesting how what happened physically mirrored what was happening like with that trust and that surrender and that faith piece. And it was wild. And then even when I left, I felt like, don’t.

 

Don’t let me go home. Like I need someone watching me. I was like, I can trust to leave. I can trust myself to take care of myself without people watching me and that whole piece. 

 

Amanda:

That’s cool to see given you, you know, you are such a physical person to have that physical confirmation and to like have it go along with you through the process. It was almost like almost better than a person in a way because they would have brought all their fears into the room. And but you had this like this feedback that It’s not gonna lie, right? And you saw it from here. So it’s almost a gift that you didn’t have anyone there because then you found, it’s like you found a compass. And like the analogy that came in, it’s like, if you’ve never driven, gone on a road trip by yourself, you know, there’s these things that you have to learn how to do only through doing, through navigating, right? You know, you need to pay attention to your vehicle. You need to, you know, pay attention to the road yourself. There’s all these things that you have to do to navigate. And there’s like a street smarts that you want to have. You only develop that through doing it. But also we can fear navigating. We can fear taking that path and we can just let someone else be, we’ll just sit and sleep in the shotgun, right? We’ll just let someone else handle that. But we never learned how to navigate. And so it’s like we have to in a way get thrown into doing something, whether it’s experience you’ve had or whatever our path is in accepting that you have to take the challenges with the good parts, right? Like we have in order to develop the muscle of trusting ourselves, trusting that we can navigate. And then as we, the more we do it, it’s just, it’s that trust muscle grows and then the things that get thrown at us like, okay, this is different, but I’ve figured out this. I figured I’ve navigated all these other situations and it’s like this reserve of strength that we can pull from to get through hard times. And it sounds like you’ve cultivated a lot of that through your path. So thank you for sharing all that.

 

Saramae:

It’s funny you say that, it just reminded me too. I hated the, at first I hated the heart rate monitor because it was always going off and I’m like, that just makes me worry. But then I said it calibrated myself and then I remember halfway through they took it away because they felt like I was stable and I’m like, don’t take it away because that’s what’s telling everyone and myself I’m okay basically. And then I was like, no, I’ve already through these couple days developed the awareness of when I’m in a certain state that’s gonna manifest a certain way in my body and my vitals. So it was just like a quick, like, and what’s so cool is it makes you realize I can’t even afford because I was in the hospital. Like I could, you had, I had every reason to be afraid and to fear and let the numbers mean something, right? But I recognize like even here, even in the hospital, I literally can’t afford physiologically what that choice and that fear response is doing in my body. So it’s like, it doesn’t even matter if there’s evidence to support it. It’s just so now when fear and the worst case scenario and all that pops up, I just say stop. And then I, I work on changing my physiology and I just trust that if something really and truly is wrong and I really truly am in danger, right? That that kind of like when I realized I have to go to the hospital and I did, and I got through it, but it’s just stopping that track that can easily feel so true and real that we’re allowing to wreak havoc on our psyche, but also our bodies. And that was really kind of cool to walk through too. 

 

Kate:

Yeah. I think that’s a really beautiful way for us to, to like kind of come to the close of this particular episode with you, because we’re going to have you back to dive in more to the actual healing that you have been working through. Cause that in and of itself has been an incredible journey. And, and as you say, how you know, the body keeps the score or how we can work with that. And, and then even in this new layer that beyond that too, that how powerful our minds are on our bodies, be that for our health or our, you know, being sick or unwell and the great awareness that we can have to be super conscious of the way that we do allow our minds to operate because of the direct impact, you know, as you’ve beautifully experienced and illustrated here that.

 

You know, just from those stressful thoughts, our heart rate rises. And when we are in that kind of prolonged state in life without a monitor, we don’t really realize how this is actually stress on the physical body that manifests as things. So how important the healing truly is and strengthening of our abilities to, you know, have the awareness of what we’re doing, have the tools to be like, okay, yes, I’m feeling fear, but I can choose this in the, in the, in the moment.

 

Even to just shift what if we had a monitor to move that down a little, to give the body a little break so that we can drop into a new state to assess how we feel in that moment to then, okay, what can I apply here just to try and regulate? And I think to what I want to say just to wrap up is that through my own experience too, I can relate to how our minds and our sense of fear and

 

thoughts in and of themselves can just really take us out of reality or our experience and take us off into these dark, dark places. And yet in presence, we can come back and actually everything’s actually fine. Although I may be laying in a bed and I don’t know what’s gonna happen. But if we come back to the very, very present moment, okay, here I am and here this is the situation. We can remove ourselves from a massive stress state.

 

we can remove ourselves from the fear to actually find even in a hospital bed, a sense of peace by coming back to the present moment and out of our minds, out of thinking, out of thought. So, you know, just another beautiful illustration of the power that we do have when we are able to bring ourselves into the present moment, even in the worst of situations to choose different experience that not only is that a different mental experience, it’s a different physiological experience.

 

And, you know, and we haven’t even got into what that then means energetically of what we’re creating and, you know, bringing into our life, but maybe we can touch on that in our next conversation. But thank you, Sarah Mae, for everything you shared. I am so grateful that, you know, you do have the fighting spirit and that your life free, your near -death experience did prepare you for the battle to come out the other side so beautifully in, you know.

 

your story and what you do, the work you’re doing in the world, which you didn’t quite touch on and you know, how you are being of service. But yeah, I just think your story is so inspiring. So thank you so much for sharing that with us. 

 

Saramae:

Thank you so much. I’m excited. We have part B. Yeah. So thank you everyone for listening. 

 

Kate:

As we said, Saramae will be back with us in another episode and until then enjoy your day.