Fascia, Faith, and Freedom

Kate (00:00)

Welcome back to the Awakening Conversations podcast. My name is Kate. I’m here with my co -host Amanda. And today we’re being joined again by Sara Mae Hollandsworth. Sara Mae was with us a few weeks back sharing her incredible story of awakening through a near -death experience. And today we’re going to have a discussion with Sara Mae about her healing journey. It’s an incredible journey. And one we feel that has many layers that we can share with listeners because it’s not just a physical healing journey. So much of this has been for her, mental, emotional and spiritual. And so that path has led her to explore a lot of different modalities and things outside of modalities that are really just the inner work, what we need to do to really come to a place of knowing ourselves, our truth and why we are here going through these intense and incredible and interesting experiences as we awaken and live the human experience. So for those who haven’t tuned into the other episode, let me just tell you a little bit about who Sara Mae is. Sara Mae is a wellness and fitness professional and has been for over 20 years. She is a level three fascia stretch specialist, certified personal trainer and an integrative nutrition health coach. She’s also a GoRuck athlete and ambassador.

Kate (01:23)

She is a nonprofit founder committed to helping America’s warriors heal from and thrive beyond the injuries and impacts of duty. She is the Oregon co -lead of So Everybody Can Move, a state -based legislative movement to expand access to physical activity prostheses. Health and fitness have been her life’s work and it is her passion to pay it forward. Sara Mae, welcome back to the podcast.

SaraMae Hollandsworth (01:48)

Thank you guys so much for having me back.

Kate (01:51)

Yeah. Your journey truly is incredible and getting to have you as my friend, we’ve had lots of conversations about the things that you’ve been through. And so I think it’d be, there’s so much value in sharing your journey with our listeners in terms of your healing journey. So as I said in our little introduction there, there’s so many layers to healing. And it is an ongoing journey. And I know that we’ve known each other, I think for, I don’t know, maybe six, seven years or something like that. Yeah. And, and I know that also your physical journey with healing. This was just over 10 years ago, wasn’t it that you lost your legs? Yeah. So, so quite a stretch. Here we are now 10 years later. And I know personally that you’ve really in the last probably what year, two years made some massive strides forward. And so just to start by saying, you know, our healing journey

SaraMae Hollandsworth (02:22)

Yeah, good chunk of it.

Kate (02:50)

isn’t an overnight thing. You know, our healing journey is a committed practice. It’s showing up again and again when it’s hard. And I think you, you know, from my conversations with you, you speak to that so beautifully. So where shall we start today? I think we have so many layers, but maybe we can begin with the physical body, the part that many of us know, first and foremost, because that’s usually in many ways, our portal and pathway in to other parts that need healing. So of course you have, you lost your legs. There’s the physical recovery of that.

In our last conversation, we did talk about how prior to you losing your legs, your sense of self -worth, who Sara Mae was, was very tied up in her physical body, her appearance, being an athlete. So let’s chat about how first level, there’s the healing of when you lose your legs, this part of you that you’ve come to now be like, well, who is Sara Mae without her legs? Is she an athlete? And how you had to begin to let go of that. Let’s start there. 

SaraMae Hollandsworth (04:07)

Yeah, I’m like when you said that I just saw almost like a prism. I was like, there’s so many different aspects into that where you know, where do we even begin but it’s like there’s this duality of being and not being, right? Like we’re I just believe we’re really intentionally created on purpose for a purpose. But that can get out of balance and we can be too identified too attached. It can be an idol, an identity, you know, and it can actually limit us if we’re just too focused on one thing. And so it was dual. It was like letting go of all the things that I had identified myself with and really doing that inner work. But then also, no, I am these things also. And how do I come back to them with a new embodiment, I guess, and a new relationship with so that they don’t, it’s kind of like when, I’m probably gonna butcher it, but if you say like the suit is wearing the person versus the person wearing the suit, if that makes sense, it’s like more about being how we be in what we do. And just really like in that, I know I mentioned trust. It’s so funny, because that’s the part. I’m like, if I could give a cheat code to the listeners.

SaraMae Hollandsworth (05:34)

I’d be like, like, you want, there is no like fast forward button. It just is what it is. But if you want to a cheat code, I would say trust is where you want to start. And I know that like, for me, there’s a part of me that would probably want to punch this me for saying that because back then it was like, how do you expect me to trust in this? And I had a willingness to, but I, it just felt so foreign. And just now I kind of feel like I went into this journey and I’m just getting spit out the other side. So it’s really wild that this is when we’re having this conversation because looking back and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, so there’s been a lot of like weird things from the past coming back. For me, it’s like I’m suddenly seeing them very differently and that I couldn’t have seen them any differently until now. But I had felt like this whole time that I couldn’t trust myself.

And I couldn’t trust, you know, God creator, because I felt that I’d betrayed myself. And I mean, I did. But I thought that I was listening to myself and that I ran myself off a cliff. And just like maybe this past week, I was like, no, it’s been the opposite. I have always known and I’ve always heard and I’ve always felt what’s true but I haven’t listened to that. And that was the thing. That’s what I couldn’t trust. It wasn’t in trusting myself that I wreck it Ralph, my life. It was in not trusting and not listening. Even something as small as I know in our last conversation, I had just come out of the hospital, which was a wild full circle experience for something unrelated. But even when I like initially the doctor thought, no, you probably don’t, you’re probably fine, but just to be safe, let’s do labs. And there was a moment where I almost thought, maybe I won’t go. And then I’m like, no, let’s do it. And then I was going to wait for her to call me back to tell me I needed to go. And I was like, no, I know I need to go. And so I’m going to go, even if it’s just to be safe. You know, there was this element. So I’ve just really looked back in this last week and there’s way more to that, but not that thing, but this topic of I have been told I’m wrong my entire life. And I had a, maybe because this was gonna be my journey, because that’s the other thing that I feel like I’ve really honed in on this last week or two, is this awareness of we’re well prepared for our journey ahead of time. So even if the bottom falls out, even if the unimaginable happens, we can trust

SaraMae Hollandsworth (08:20)

that we’ve been prepared for it. And that doesn’t mean or look like we have all the strength and the knowing we need for the moment. Like sometimes it’s moment by moment, but looking back, I mean, I have goosebumps talking about it. Looking back, I’m like, I was, cause I had an odd, I just like had an odd childhood. I don’t know if other people feel that way, but it was just, it’s just so clear. I was being prepared for this to happen, but I was like, that’s why.

I was just a little bit of an odd duck. And even to go back to the lack of trusting myself, my father was an alcoholic and a drug addict until I was five. And I remember, and he was a great dad, and he equally contributes to the pain and the wonderfulness and the dark and the light. There’s duality there as well. But because of that, with an addict, and an alcoholic, there’s a lot of denying or deflecting or project a lot of that. So that’s where the denial of my reality came in at such a young age. And so I probably had, I was hyper aware of what was good and bad and what was right and wrong, more so than, I mean, I don’t even want to say more so than because I think children know.

But I just knew, I would be like, dad, that guy’s unsafe. And he’s like, they’re a good guy. And everything in me knew. And so that’s when I learned to deny my knowing of this is an unsafe person. And that was a pivotal part of just kind of the downward spiral into my life as a very, like a very dark person entered my life. And then that just, that was just so much of it. And even like, an example the other day my dog likes everybody like he’s awkwardly friendly and the guy who’s, who looked fine and nice was crossing the street and he now looking back I can think he was trying too hard but he basically was like I like your dog and I said he’s really friendly if you want to say hi and my dog was like acting like he’s gonna rip his arm off and I’m like I’m gonna trust that.

Whereas before I’d probably be like, be nice. I swear he’s nice. I was like, no, he literally does that to nobody. So I’m going to trust that he knows because he’s very sensitive and attuned and just even like that awareness and that full, full circle-ness. Cause probably in the last week or two, I’ve identified voices, sources of people of different influences, of different things that are constantly telling me that I’m wrong, or maybe don’t see me clearly or any of that. And I’ve finally said no, I actually know and I trust and it’s a full yes. Because I had this like, is it this or is it that? Is it this or is it that? And I was like, I cannot have my head on the swivel. That just doesn’t feel, what’s the word? I don’t wanna say right, but it just was like that feels misaligned, I guess.

SaraMae Hollandsworth (11:26)

And it was like, when I just shut it out, if suddenly ever it was everything was so clear, like, I feel like I’m seeing so clearly, I’m hearing so clearly, I’m knowing so clearly. And I don’t think I’ve ever had that because when you have when it starts at the, you know, at such a young age in the family, it’s every direction, it can be very hard to discern. And so I literally feel like this is the first time where I’m only hearing the true North guidance without shouting from external and oppositional influences. So that’s the long way to say, I would start with trust if you want to cheat code your healing journey. Even going into the hospital when I almost died before, I was saying something’s not okay. It’s not an injury, it’s not sciatica and they just basically were like, it’s sciatica, see you later. And then I was dying, you know, so even like this me today would shout from the rooftops, like, I don’t think it’s that I know my body, this is what’s wrong. There’s some, I don’t know what’s wrong, but something’s wrong. But it was like, nope, you know, we’re a doctor, we know better. This is what it is. And I just went along with it. Like now I, this me would save my life and advocate for my life and trust myself like I trust my dog and you know just knowing that we can trust we really, really can and even if you feel like you’ve made poor choices or you know have co -created and pain in your life if you get really, really still and we just did a really beautiful grounding meditation thanks to Kate prior to this but what people want to do is run from their discomfort, right? And distract. And so that’s where that physical piece for me, when the bottom fell out, my legs are gone, I’m in a wheelchair, you know, I could no longer run from the, from the discomfort. I could no longer distract. And I just sat with self and we need to do that more. Even today, 10 years in, I’m still going, Hey, I need, like, I had a rough week mentally.

And I was like, I need to strip down and I need to go in to get the answers and to get the guidance. Whereas before I’d be like, you tell me what you think or you, I was like, no, I know. And I need to get quiet. And there was all the like, no, you can’t do that, right? Today’s day and age, you can’t disconnect. You can’t not respond right away. I was like, I’m going in and I’m getting the answer. And it’s so crystal clear that I’m like, wow, I would have loved to do this sooner, but here we are. We’re here.

SaraMae Hollandsworth (14:13)

And that’s that’s a big piece of it, especially with the physical piece, both in fitness and in movement, but then also the body work of the body keeping the score and all of that. Like the physical is, we wear our stuff. You can see it in people when they’re inflamed. It’s like you’re not just physically inflamed. Like you’re probably mentally, emotionally, probably environmentally inflamed, you know, and that’s where it’s so, it can be so potent. Whatever thing is being highlighted for you. And even that, the awareness and recognition of we’re being so guided and supported. I’m like, my mind is blown this week. I’m like, my gosh, the level of guidance that I’ve just been ignoring or not tuned into is wild. And this was available all along and I’m just now listening, of like if something’s coming around for you constantly, it’s probably a message for you. And it’s so easy to be like, it’s so weird. It just keeps happening. You’re like, maybe if I just get quiet and say, what are you trying to tell me? Probably getting a cheat code or an answer or guidance, something.

Amanda (15:23)

There’s so much in there. A lot, like you spoke to a lot of different aspects to healing. The first place I want to go is it’s really fascinating to see that you’re 10 years out or so and that it’s like, this is another layer of your healing journey to think that, you know, maybe you might heal three years post your, you know, a few years and then you’re going to, there’s no more healing to be done. But, that’s my, you know, in a simplified version, that’s what we might want. Right. But in the reality, it’s like, okay, we did that layer. And then another layer, you’re put in a situation where you have to see something else and there’s a deeper level. Cause you know, what you were just speaking to, you were speaking to like primitive or like the primary years of your life where the wiring of your brain, your nervous system was set. And so to think that like as adults, we can rewire that within like a year or two after living all these years is unrealistic. And it’s both interesting and in a way comforting that like, it doesn’t need to be all done at once. And we also have to be open to like, what’s next, what’s the next layer of this process for me. And you’ve really demonstrated so beautifully that you can surrender into like the next phase of what it means to heal.

Amanda (17:03)

On the last episode you spoke to, the heart monitor and seeing how that can be a tool. And so it was just like seeing how you were, you, all these years later are in a different place and you can deal with the situation in a different way. And as a result, like all these, this next level of you is, is opening, right, to this new insight, guidance. So that’s really fascinating to me.

So something that I think of is that we, at least where we come from, Sara Mae, in the United States, and a lot of Western world, it’s like a lot of people receive a pill throughout their life. They want to take a pill and that’s going to resolve their ailments and pills might work at first and then eventually they lose their efficacy.

Amanda (18:00)

And so a lot of the chronic illness that exists is a result of those short -term fixes and not really being in the body, not learning to, like wanting to escape, like pain, taking something for pain, whether it’s in the form of a pill or in a drink or whether it’s running or social media or shopping or whatever. We have all these different mechanisms that we use to escape what needs to be seen, needs to be felt. And sometimes if we’re not listening to our body, like the, it has to be loud, right? For us, for it to get our attention,that might be a chronic illness that like, it’s like, hey, listen to me, listen to me, try a different, a lot of like, for example, a lot of people have unresolved chronic illnesses through a lot of modalities that you’re going to speak about the nervous system healing. And it doesn’t, often doesn’t come through a pill. The easy approach. It comes through the hard, challenging moments. And so I think this is going to be, your story is going to be very helpful for a lot of people to hear just it highlights what is possible through taking the time, being committed to yourself.

So a near death experience, like I’ve watched a lot of interviews with near death experiences and, they often share about the near death experience. And it’s like this kind of magical thing, but like their bodies might be ravaged right from like dying essentially. And they often don’t talk about the journey that comes after with the healing to get back to some place of normalcy. And so, but I think, I imagine that journey is, there’s a lot of lessons in that journey of returning the body to health, right? I’m curious, you talked about trust, like what were some really hard moments for you in that time that you can speak to and like, where did you like have to go to

Help yourself through that or like what people or resources really helped you when it was feeling like maybe you had moments of like, maybe it feels hopeless or super hard in some way. Can you speak to that at all?

SaraMae Hollandsworth (20:40)

Yeah, I think, gosh, there’s so many great aspects of that. I’m like, where do I, I have always gone within because I think I knew, like again, with my dad being an alcoholic and different things and the chaos and there was almost this like, I have to have a secret life kind of, because I had this knowing that like, I don’t, basically they would say, you will likely end up an alcoholic or you know, just all of this or like whatever health issues and there was a lot my family which I’m actually grateful for. There was a lot of mental health issues, different things like that. And then I was just like a kid on a mission. It was like no, but then I would just kind of nod my head with the people because I would note it like to kind of, what’s the word, upset the apple cart, you know, I would get more negativity back that was like a lot of resistance. So it was kind of like, I’ll just be on my little secret mission over here. So saying all that is when I’m really, really struggling, you’ll know if you’re in my life, I get really quiet. And that means I’m struggling. I don’t reach out, I go within because that’s kind of my habit. And fortunately, that is healthy for me because I’m not out doing crazy things. I’m like getting quiet, getting still, you know, accessing higher power, wisdom, all of that. I did realize that this was such a difficult journey that I would be in danger of, you know, suicide or something like that. And so I just, I kind of envisioned it in my head as this cliff that I didn’t want to go anywhere near because I didn’t want to slip and fall. Like I’m afraid to heights. So there’s this little bit of like, if I get too close to the edge, I’m going to fall down the mountain.

And so in my brain, I made it like that. And so if I felt like, there’s some gravel and it’s slippery or I’m even anywhere near it, I would reach out. And I had, you know, like a few trusted sources of like, I’m in a really dark place. I’m really scared. And I just really just need to know there’s another human being on the other line. And I was like, I’m not there. Like, don’t worry. But I just need a little bit of light and it can’t come from me right now. Like I’m maxed out.

And I would say like, still to this day, it’s just how I’m wired. I’m wired to like white knuckle it, grin and bear it. I’m really tough. So that’s the wall I kick up against, you know, like you’re talking about layers. Luckily, fortunately I’m growing. So the hits are getting less hard, but I’ll still be like, there’s that wall that I know well. And a really pivotal one, and that’s where it can be so easy to identify these things as really negative because often they’re painful and most people are learning from pain. Like you said, like we’re ignoring the quiet. We’re not, we don’t get still enough. We don’t get quiet enough to hear. We’re not focused and tuned in enough. So then we, that’s the way we end up coming up against it. But for me, when COVID hit shortly prior, I started to feel, which is so weird, because I was fine. People are always like, how do you drive? Because everybody is a little bit different after losing your legs. I have, I drive normal. Everything is as it was before and I’ve been fine in the car and in the coma like you talked about with the near death experience, I was trapped and there were different scenes of that playing out.  And I had nightmares. I’ve had nightmares my whole life. So I kind of didn’t, I was just used to it. Which is not fun. But clearly the white -knuckling, it just wasn’t gonna work anymore. And that’s actually a blessing because that was in my body. That was in my psyche. That was in my system. It didn’t come out and that could likely manifest, you know, worse and worse, the longer it’s there. And so basically I just couldn’t drive all of a sudden. Like I felt trapped and my nervous, that was, my nervous system was locked up.

And it was just like I couldn’t process and it was getting worse and worse and my world was getting smaller and smaller at the same time that the world was getting smaller and smaller and so it was very obvious and I had been resistant to therapy. I’d had zero, I did zero physical therapy, I did zero therapy therapy and I was like well I’ve done it on my own but now I’ve hit a really hard wall and I’m so fortunate because also with COVID and I think might have reached out right at the beginning and a therapist didn’t get back to me because they a lot of people are like, I must need a therapist. So it might have been a year. I don’t know at what timeframe, but I finally got into a great therapist and the biggest blessing was the EMDR. She, we did like trauma therapy, traditional therapy.

SaraMae Hollandsworth (25:43)

But the EMDR for me was profoundly pivotal. And I can look back and say, I actually don’t have nightmares anymore for my entire life since childhood. I’ve had really like being tortured and murdered, like really aggressive nightmares. And so being free of that is incredible. And then for me, I’ve just had such a painful journey that I was actually I was afraid to do EMDR because I was like you’re going into your traumas That feels scary, but when I was like I’m just following your little fingers like it was a… 

Amanda (26:22)

Can you explain for people who don’t know what EMDR is and what it entails?

SaraMae Hollandsworth (26:36)

Yeah. It’s rapid eye movement I’m gonna forget the like actual the correct four -letter word what it means, but it’s rapid movement eye reprocessing basically. So what they do, and I’m gonna go, I’m gonna butcher it, but they basically take you into a memory and it’s so interesting. It actually unlocked, I would say, a lot of this trust because I just decided to trust the process and in it just seemingly random, weird things would pop up and my therapist laughed at me because I would always be so annoyed. I’d be like, why is this coming up?

I was like, it seems so rando or seems so silly or, you know, the part of me that wanted to judge. And I was like, I’m annoyed to even say this out loud, but it would just be these things. And it could be anything. Moments that you’re like, there’s no way I haven’t thought of this in my entire lifetime, but just suddenly you’re thinking about whatever it is.⁓ She said it really beautifully to me that made it make sense. She’s like, it’s kind of like when you’re playing a record, which for anyone who’s younger, you might not even realize what a record is and that might sound so old, but when it skips and she’s like basically something happened at different points in your life that causes the record to skip and then you get stuck and that’s where we can feel stuck or we can have you know really intense reactions to things or different things like that and she’s like we basically this process helps it get unstuck. And I remember I rolled my eyes at her initially, because I was like, this seems really like tiddly winks. This is weird. Like it’s just, I’m, and there’s different ways you can watch flashing lights. You can, your therapist can wave their finger from left to right and you follow, your eyes follow them. You can tap yourself right and left. It’s really about connecting the right and left sides of the brain and being in it. But there’s something about that process that desensitizes it for you. And interestingly, as I’m telling you this, I’m remembering this alternative therapy that I went through for severe allergies. I’m like, that actually seems really similar in a different way. And that was more of a physical reaction, but very similar. It’s kind of like just taking the power, the negative charge out of whatever it was. And it was so interesting that I came for obvious, like pretty extreme traumas.

But then when you’re going through it, these little things that would come up that you’re like, wow, because at the end of the day, what it really is, and it was so clear with me with the driving, is that my nervous system was overloaded and I could no longer, like the lid blew off. Because there was a lot of other stuff going on that just made, it’s like the pot over like, boiling water just overflowed like it does. And I was like, well I can’t go on like this, obviously I cannot become a recluse or I’m not willing to become a recluse. So I’m gonna have to help unburden my nervous system. And so that was a massive one. And then the second, which if we dive into was the facial stretch therapy training and the body work, because I knew I needed that as well. So really unburdening that nervous system and that the burden, because whether you go through a near death experience, whether you go through a chronic illness, any of those things or not. Like we’re all carrying heavy backpacks with rocks that we don’t have to be carrying that it could manifest for me at points it was like weight, extra weight on my body. You know, there’s just different areas or like maybe you’re hoarding a little bit of stuff. And if you’re doing that, you’re likely doing that emotionally when you really just tune in to everything is like feedback, everything has greater significance than I realize. You can really see areas that you can unburden yourself and lighten your load. And then that creates space for more light to come in and love and all that stuff.

Kate (30:32)

I really love is that you’re talking here about how your experience of your life, your felt sense of your life, you know, and how you’re thinking. We’re starting to really put the pieces together how important the body is in that quality of how we experience our lives and what we’re thinking. So let’s dive into those other modalities that you have done because we’ve started to talk about the nervous system here now.

The fascia stretching and even somatic exercises because you’ve also said that, you know, painting this picture for us of how exactly from a young age, there’s been a lot of stuff around you, you know, one denying your own personal experiences. So we’re, you know, taking on that sort of stuff. You’ve got, you know, your father, loving but alcoholic and then your own, own, you know, white knuckling it and way you’ve learned to live life. Like this is a sort of trauma response in and of itself, right? That did not serve you, that doesn’t and hasn’t. And to this day, you’re finally going, I don’t need to hold on so tight 10 years later from the initial experience. But let’s talk about that. So as we start to work with the body, what are we doing? What’s happening? And something you’ve said before is the body truly keeps the score. Tell us about that.

SaraMae Hollandsworth (31:40)

Yeah, you just can’t run from or ignore. What you put off is just gonna get worse. So that’s where little aches and pains, little concerns, little, I mean, even if it’s like 10 extra pounds, it is not about how you look. Like, great, that’s always whatever. But if you just really pay attention, like, am I, do I feel my best? And, anytime you can address something early. I remember I went through now the all three levels of the facial stretch therapy. But it made me laugh because they’ve become, the creators have become like my mom and dad. They’re like Ma and Pa stretchy. I just love them but they made me laugh this last time because it’s like now they felt like because it I mean each layer, you know gets deeper and deeper and they were like Sara, something that we love about you is your ability to like adapt and power through. 

But also we would like you to get more sensitive to that within yourself. And I was like, and it’s funny, because that’s what the training is, is just getting so granular and cellular to recognize little teeny nuances that can really unlock massive healing and space. And I’m like, I hope they don’t know that I ended up in the hospital about a week after that training. I was like, but I did, I did so much better than normal. I got more sensitive. But anyways, I say all that to say, we want to listen to the whispers before they become screams. And looking back again, with that trust and that realization of how prepared we are, even if it seemingly blindsides you, you know, I would really encourage people to go back and witness their lives and just be like, are there any clues here? Are there any skills here? Are there any, because here I was an athlete, a trainer, and it was all about, because I felt like I was, and this is why I’ve been here. It’s like to rewrite the story for myself, to rewrite the story for my family. So it’s been like I’ve been climbing Mount Everest with like everyone’s gear on my back uphill and like.

Y ‘all hop on, I’m just powering, you know, upstream, doing all of that. And it’s like, that was, that’s my life and the trainer and it was overcoming, like I was very, that was my passion. It wasn’t about how you looked. It’s about like, you can do way more than you think you can. And that’s great. But I randomly ended up, which is, I’m like, I can’t even figure out other than that I was really into the physical body, how 19 year old me ended up in training to be a massage therapist. And it just makes me giggle because I remember being like, this stuff is so ridiculous. I’m like the healing and there’s just so much of that. But also I was like obsessed with it at the same time. So I was like, how could I optimize myself? But that training was such a pivotal important part of the journey that I didn’t finish. I was like, no thanks. Not for me at this point.

But it’s like that the body work, the kind of the opposite of like what I would do in training of the relaxing of the body. And just even it opened me up to so many modalities that when everything happened, it was like, wait, I have already like peaked in a healing journey because so much and that that was by all intents and purposes. I was like, I know I’m going to have to do some healing to an extent to overcome all of this stuff in my family. So there, it was just always like a little light on in the background. And then when all this happened, it was like, all right, I’m gonna have to go there because to get out of where I’m sitting and I literally can’t go do the things I would normally do, I was just like, yes, this is the time we’re gonna do it. And that’s when I did all of that inner work that I had been avoiding. That’s just less fun, you know, obviously than some of the physical stuff. And then, you know, I knew coming out, it was weird. I’ve always enjoyed touch, physical touch. But when I came out of the coma, I was so hypersensitive that I actually have not really wanted to be touched for quite like almost a decade. It just felt, it didn’t feel the same. It felt like uncomfortable in a lot of ways while at the same time I was like I deeply needed to be touched if that made sense. I remember so I’d never done PT. I finally went I’d say like four or five years ago so maybe halfway in and I remember I was there for physical therapy, so movement and I was like will you just touch me? Like I wanted any of the body work stuff they could do and even that I’m like okay I went for movement but I was asking for touch.

And that took me another four or five years to finally go the physical touch route, which was the body workspace. And it’s just funny that that was implanted so early on. And what I know now is like, while I was incredibly uncomfortable being touched, that’s likely the thing that I needed the most. And if I even just went, what if, if I got curious, what if I’d been prepared for this now that, now I recognize I am.

But if I got curious, I might’ve been like, should I explore, like perhaps massage wasn’t random. Perhaps my resistance to my discomfort and being touched, perhaps we should go there and see what’s there because I’m like that has unlocked so much. And again, that’s like a cheat code. Like, if I could have started there, if I would have started there, that I believe would have accelerated the process. And just now it’s so clear.

But when I wasn’t trusting and when I wasn’t curious and thinking I have been prepared because I was, while I, I decided, I definitely did not come from a victim space of why did this happen? You know I was like okay, I, I believe I co -created this. I believe that good will come from it. I choose for good to come from it and things like that but I wasn’t in the, I felt like I really screwed up my life, and I’m hard on myself, so I think that hindered my view of like, maybe I’ve been prepared for this and if I look back at my life, there’s probably a lot of clues, there’s probably a lot of strengths. It felt like this is the worst person for it to happen to me, other than I knew I was prepared in a lot of ways. It just was like sports, my body, like I was so gifted in those areas. It’s what I love so much and it felt like it had been taken, that it really clouded my view of seeing like that’s possibly why me in a really cool way. And again, I knew that, but we do have emotions and I wanna validate anyone who feels like, I don’t wanna spiritually bypass like it’s a victim mindset. It’s like, it’s okay and it’s normal and it’s natural to feel that, to go into that mindset at times. Like, hello, life be life and it is hard, it is okay. It’s just so important to not live there and have a willingness to not live there, but it’s okay to have times and moments. And honestly, what I probably needed was to let myself live in victimhood a little bit. Like, it’s just recently, I had a conversation the other day about like, wait, I instantly go to empathy, giving grace and empathy and understanding to other people. But I recognize that I’ve done that 99 .9 % of the time and I don’t give that to myself or I don’t request that for myself. And I was like, in this moment, I’m gonna ask for that for me because I actually don’t do that. And so that’s where I look back and I’m like, you know, if I had maybe let myself live in the this freaking sucks and how horrible and how sad that too, I think would have accelerated my journey. But I was like, you don’t get to feel that way. Like we are above this. And it’s like, no, you feel the feels like that. I used to be afraid of my feelings. And it’s like, well, what I’ve learned is if you surrender to them, they move through a lot quicker then if you don’t, if you avoid them, the body keeps the score, they will get stored and they will manifest in some other way.

Amanda (40:34)

Yeah, I think with any loss in our life, whether it be a relationship, phase of our life, for you, your legs, it’s like we have to go through that grief and in that it’s sad to lose a part of you. And I think what you said was really powerful is that almost what will get you on to the other side a little more easily is to just feel those feelings. When we don’t allow ourselves, it’s like we’re gonna try to keep going, keep going, forging ahead. And then that in a way that almost holds us back a little bit more because there are these unresolved feelings in there that want to be seen because it is, it is, it’s sad to lose a part of who you once were, whether that, you know, in whatever form that is. And so I think being with grief and has, is really powerful. And what you were, I want to speak to what you were saying about the random preparation, right? Like, I feel that too. Like I look back in my stages of my life and I’m like, that was random that I did that. And that, that seemed random. Like they’re not connected. And, and then in the past few years, I’m always like, wow, all of that was preparing me for, or I was doing this because, you know, I’m here to let go, like heal my ancestry, which it sounds like you are here as well from everything you’re saying. It’s like, you are a healer of your ancestral line as well.

And for me, I always felt like, why can’t I just do a normal path? Why can’t I just like get a normal job? Why can’t I just, cause it’s hard. It’s hard. Like the thought being on this path that has not been written before. Like you have to like go your own way and it can be a struggle. And then sometimes it’s like, why, why, why can’t I just have the normal route and

SaraMae Hollandsworth (42:54)

The normal route in our lines got the results they got. And we’re like, no, thank you to that.

Amanda (42:58)

Right. It’s just, it’d be bypassing like the guidance that we’ve received to do something different, right? It’d be ignoring it. And then to get us back on like what we signed up to do and our soul, you know, when we created this life, we signed up to do something. And if we deviate too far from that, like something’s going to get us back to where we decided to, you know, the life we decided to live.

So, it’s cool hearing you say that because I can, I’ve struggled with that as well. Like, what did I do that for? Or that was a mistake. That was an expensive mistake that I did, but no, like there’s really not mistakes, right? Like you see like how it comes back full circle, how it played a really important life in a way that at the time or at some point maybe didn’t make sense. But in retrospect, you can see like, wow, that’s cool how all this happened and unfolded how it did.

Kate (44:04)

And I think what you’re, you’re both talking to you there is that beautiful way that you can see or have another way to see all, how you can trust, right? If in this moment, you’re like, how do I trust? Beautiful thing, look back over your life, right? Maybe there’s seemingly random things and how would they fit into the bigger picture of why you experienced that, did that, took on that job, whatever moved here, you know, I can say too, I’ve had those moments where, you know, there’s these different life experiences had that moment of it’s like, I came to a point I was like, right. You know, everything had, was playing a role in whatever experience I was having in that moment. And I was resourced for it. Like the random jobs I had and there’s that, I don’t know, like, I’m like you, Amanda. I don’t have a normal career path either. Went to uni and got the degree and did two, three years of it. And then there, you know, I’ve just been flying by the seat of my pants since, you know, and so, but however, you know, yeah, you do, you get to a point in your life, you’re like, I see. Right. There’s so much preparation, so much preparation. And again, it is, it’s like, even in those moments being outside of normal, you’ve got to just trust if you’re feeling like you’re not normal, run with it. And just let exactly like, if you’re feeling like, how do I trust, you know, coming back to what you said at the start, if we’re, someone’s in that part of their journey of healing, like to find your trust, have a little review. What might you be able to glean from that past that could give you a portal into, you know, that makes some sense, you know, open that door to trust for you. So, you know, it is a, yes, exactly. And I think it’s just easy to dismiss, you know, dismiss all of that. But it is, you know, when we do talk about our awakenings and we do talk about our spiritual paths, we’re really never not being guided. As you said,  we’re never not living the life we’re meant to live. Even when we lose our legs, even when you know, we go through these experiences, like they may in our minds or to others feel like, seem like, God, that’s awful. You poor thing. But actually, no, this is what I wanted. This is what my soul wanted. I came here for this depth of this healing and this experience. Because what a way, what a portal to access the deepest parts of you to be, to not be able to run literally, to have to sit with yourself, to go in, fortunately being prepared to be able to be in that inner space, to not then go into those super dark places. You were prepared so that you could go in and be like, okay, I need to know who I am, discover me. How am I releasing all of these ways of being that I have that got me to this point to truly heal my ancestral line, my own, whatever, how many past life line, whatever, to heal, to, to, this is a healing journey for you. What I would really love to talk to a little bit more is this fascia stretching therapy, because I know that what we’re healing when we do that is energetic. It is a lot of the story. It is a lot of what we’re holding from our life’s experiences. This is the trauma work, right? This is where we’re saying the body keeps the score. And, you know, those that that experience of growing up with alcoholic father and having your experiences, unvalidated, invalidated, you know, dismissed, we store that in the body, right? And then that is not good for the physical body. Can you talk to how this fascia stretching helps us access and release that. And I really want you to just note here, cause you said this to me when we chatted a little while back, I think it was on your level three, that there was even a moment for you during your fascia releasing when someone was working on you where something really unlocked, but you had a smell come up that I want you to speak to that as you’re sharing this with us. Cause I think it’s really fascinating that piece of like just how truly deep in the physical body we store things. Could you, could you share some more about that for us?

SaraMae Hollandsworth (48:19)

Yeah, and even that, so funny, it’s just, we didn’t plan this convo out, but I’m like, even that, even that. Like, I was introduced to facial stretch therapy, so again, went to massage therapy, loved to be touched. I was a trainer in Phoenix, Arizona, and one of my clients as a personal trainer was a massage therapist, but unbeknownst to me was a facial stretch therapist. I knew she worked with a lot of the pro athletes and she was phenomenal. And I just remember being like this feels more incredible than typical massage and I was trained in that so I was just like, I don’t know what it is, didn’t even register at that point. I just knew she was great, all of that, didn’t think anything of it. Fast forward, so that was probably, which PS if I had stayed with that I’m like, I could have released a lot of this who knows what would have happened. Should have done more of that actually. So that’s another gift of like an opportunity that I maybe wasn’t, I know that’s when I was very not tuned in to pain and was running from it, ignoring it, denying it. But it was a seed that was planted and fast forward to after dying and losing my legs, not dying, after almost dying, losing my legs, 10 to 15 years, it, seemingly randomly re -enters my experience and it’s just something that’s not, I mean now stretch therapy is becoming more well known but this fascial stretch therapy through Stretch To Win, they’re the OGs that really created it and pioneered it. And it was before people know about it and still actually quite rare to be trained in. And so when the guy came in I was like, are you about to do FST? And he’s like yeah, it was when I was in Texas working with vets. He’s like, you know about FST? And I was like, yeah. And I got to tell him and he worked on me and he even said, he’s like, you should really get trained in this. And I was like, no, no, no, I shouldn’t, whatever. And then it was so funny because that was probably six years ago. Again, would have been so great to dive into and do consistently then, like would have been a cheat code back then. But six years later, just how life does, I was just thinking again, how could I greater serve others with the work that I want to do with warriors, what could be the most, because I was like, I want balance and I train them, which I love, but I was like, I would love to do body work and some of that release. And suddenly FST just pops into my mind and awareness, hadn’t thought of it in six years. And was like, that, and then reached out and, you know, shared the mission with them. And it just was like, such a beautiful, synchronistic, and I had told them my story and they ended up wanting to film like a mini doc on me for my training. And it was so cool getting to share it with the creators and Chris said, this sounds like a life path. And I was like, totally. It’s just been, it’s been there through so much of it. And so that full circle experience, and then it’s like, of course I went there to give, not fully recognizing the extent to which I needed that. And so I’m so grateful. I did an accelerated path of training. So I did level one in November of last year, level two in February of this year, and then level three in May of this year in 2024, which what was so cool about that is I’m like, it was like an experiment because it was so obvious the growth. And that was really the only thing that was different in my life was that. And level one, I just remember feeling, and so I have a TBI and PTSD from everything. And what is so frustrating about that is I always had a really sharp brain and my brain has just felt like a wet sparkler. Like it’s just, it has to work so hard and so I feel like it’s harder to retain info. I feel like it’s harder to express. I just feel like the synapses don’t fire as well. And so it’s almost felt like a hidden handicap that on top of like, I actually don’t really think often about the fact that I don’t have legs, even though it’s obvious.

SaraMae Hollandsworth (52:53)

But this is one that I’ve like silently struggled with. And so I remember going into the training and just being overloaded. Like I felt like I was facing a firing squad. My brain was just like overwhelmed. And what was so cool and so beautiful is Anne, the creator of Stretch to Win said to me, well, she pointed me out in the class and I was in the mini doc. So it just was helpful to express and really helped me realize what was going on is she said this body has to adapt, meaning me, has to adapt so hard at all times. Like, just talking about how much I needed the work and all of that. And I was just like, I actually don’t think about, you know, I haven’t thought about how much, because it’s always adapting. So, anything, I’m doing something new, anytime I’m doing something new, I don’t think about how much energy that takes, you know, how much information that takes, and then I’m doing the new thing and all of that. Cause the old stuff feels different, but there’s at least like familiarity. So I feel like that can wire it in easier, if that makes sense, where if it’s something completely foreign, it’s just like there’s no synapses and memory of something and it like paving that new path, like you just expressed about, we haven’t been here before, we’re paving a new path, it’s a lot harder. So level one, I was just so overwhelmed. And I had not cried since losing my legs other than maybe like a handful of times. Maybe. Or like maybe two or three. I just didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. I would try. I couldn’t cry. So I’m going through level one and I wasn’t having like releases in the moment. A lot of people would, but I was probably white -knuckling it. But then I would go home after and I would sit in the shower and just cry. Like I would just, it would just come out like the floodgates were open. And I was like, man. And so that was so powerful and just an incredible experience. And I remember feeling so expanded, so unburdened, so light, so loved, supported, like that feeling I had not, I had said in the interview, I remember like, I don’t think I haven’t felt this way in so long. And then I was like, actually don’t think I’ve ever felt this way. So there’s something about like talking about people with difficult, you know, childhoods or trauma. There’s this feeling of not being safe.

And then for me, a big one has been feeling alone. So there was this element of you’re safe here, even, you know, in the training, it was very like, we’re here to support you. It’s all about honoring yourself. You know, they always say the issues are in the tissues and they are, and often the cue and the training is to close our eyes so that we can really feel and sense physically what’s going on in, in the client as well as in ourselves and being hyper aware of what’s going on with us because we transfer that to the client and the whole point is really unburdening that. So that awareness of self and the client and then the energetic piece. So I just had this like just being able to access that level of safety and lightness and then fast forward I was like so nervous for level two because I thought my gosh that fire hose.

Like I was so like emotionally, like mentally is what it was burdened. And I was so nervous to go to level two, like my brain, but it was a lot easier and granted I’d had a lot of training, but I also recognize how much lighter my nervous system was. And then, you know, you’re going deeper into the tissues and all of that. So physically the releases that I had were like more obvious and visible because we had done some of the groundwork and released some. And that’s when that one moment I was like, what did I smell? Alcohol, like rubbing alcohol. I think, yeah, I remember I was like, did you pull out rubbing alcohol? And they were like, no. And that’s when Ann said she’s like, and I was having, I was like more high. Cause you get this, we call it stretch drunk. All the like feel good endorphins in the release. But I was like very wasted. Like I had the strongest responses. You would just be like, don’t mind Sara. She’s, feeling good. But Anne was like, that is all of the drugs that they had you on. That gets stored too, and that’s coming out. And I was on massive meds. So it was almost like I was just getting really high moving through this stuff, because I would joke, should I be working on someone in my state? It would take me a minute because we’d work out, we’d take turns working on each other. So I’d always say, let me work on you first. So you get sober me because then whatever’s going on is wild. It takes me a minute to come out of it. But that, even that realizing like, that release. And so I released something related to the hospital where I smell, it was like that familiar smell. And that was crazy experience. And just again, in my body. And then when I went back to level three, I thought, these are the like real professionals and I’m gonna be overwhelmed. And I wasn’t, I just felt so embodied and like even my brain, like the difference in my ability to process information, that was new because my nervous system had been unburdened to that extent. I was like, whoa, even what I expect. So saying I don’t ever like to own something that you don’t want like PTSD, anxiety, TBI, you know, but I think it’s important to share. Like these are some challenges. However, I was like, I don’t, you know. I don’t identify with that to that level anymore. Cause I was like, my brain feels a lot more like my brain now. And even that’s where they said, we would like you to become more sensitive to yourself and what’s going on and not just it’s great that you’re able to live, but you don’t have to live in like hyper arousal or any of that. We want you to really come home to yourself kind of, and pick up that sensitivity. And that piece has been just really incredible.

Amanda (58:58)

Just thinking about your training and how you said it was like they created a safe space for both the learning and also the healing that was going to happen is interesting to me because I think some of us might hold maybe some trauma from like educational environments where we feel pressure to learn, right? Unknowingly, right? Because it’s kind of normalized. So then for you to go into this environment that sounds different than a different space allowed your brain to heal. That’s really interesting. Yeah, and then another thing, my favorite teacher from school, I don’t know if I told you that I was a naturopathic doctor. But my favorite teacher, like he keeps popping up in my head as you’re talking because he was different than any other teacher that I experienced there. But something that he spoke to a lot was the connective tissue and how the answer to chronic illness is in the connective tissues. And back then, like my mind was really like about the physical, like not really about the mental, emotional, spiritual realms. He spoke to that, but like I didn’t fully grasp that at the time. But the connective tissue is where, is where we, keeping that healthy is how we both heal and prevent future chronic illness. And then also another, a couple other things that he really spoke to that has come up from this conversation is how, you know, we can think of our health as like a bucket and it’s like all of our, stressors, our toxins in our environment, the food we eat, the medicines that we take, you know, our bucket can hold so much. Some of us can hold more. Some of us can hold less. And it’s when the bucket fills up that we really, we start to experience symptoms. And so we have to find a way to diminish the amount that we’re putting in our bucket. We also have to turn on the valves to start draining that bucket. And  you’re speaking to the, the releasing of the memories with the EMDR that like not recognizing how things that seem so inconsequential are actually a burden on us.

I remember something he said is like, you know, he was, he really talked about taking patients on a journey and it’s a long process. Like we’ve, we’ve talked about here how it’s, it’s not just a, you know, a few, a few visits to a doctor and we’re healed. It’s a, it’s an unraveling process. And so the patients that he really got to work with, it always came down to something that happened in childhood is like the root of the issue that does not seem even remotely connected. And it could be something like you’re talking about the memory, like the, why am I bringing this memory up? But something that does not seem traumatic, but it was traumatic in that moment. It was like, I lost my teddy bear, right? Like something that we did, and like as adults, we can dismiss those things as like, well, stop crying, it’s just a teddy bear, I’ll buy you another one. Or that minimizing of what a child experiences and then what they learn of how to be in the world of like, what I care about doesn’t matter. Like, and that’s a belief that forms and how do we rewire those beliefs to then, to realize that my beliefs do matter. So he just came up a lot as you were talking as far as like, how do we truly, truly heal on this journey and nervous system and the connective tissue. And it seems like you’ve been divinely guided to both of these, right?

SaraMae Hollandsworth (1:03:18)

So yeah, so grateful for that. Again, I’m trusting if we like trust the process, because I have mentioned, I think in the last one, how difficult it is for me to surrender. And I’m just giggling because I’m like, surrender’s the way, it’s the funny part. That’s the cheat code, it’s the faster route, which I’m like, man, I’m hardwired to not surrender, but that’s why I like my, in a way my life kind of like you said with growth with healing, when you can feel like we haven’t arrived yet I can’t, I have those conversations constantly where you’re like I can’t believe this happened and I felt like I got blindsided. Like end of last year, which I can’t believe it’s been as long as it’s been but anyways point being is I was just like no, not this. I can’t be here. I don’t want to be here and now I’m like, my gosh like trusting that it came when it came because I was able to handle it. I was supported. I’ve been prepared. Even like the things that I got to move through, a feeling like I can’t believe I have to move through this it’s like it, the level of freedom and healing and strengths that I’ve gained in the last six months I’m like, I’m so freaking grateful and I fully understand, I like kind of get excited if I’m being honest, I’m like yeah, like if you talk about the ancestral healing, I was like, woo, we just got like, we just got some powerful magic in the last six months, whatever it’s been. Like I look at things and instead of looking at them through horror, because it feels like that, right? You’re like, ooh, I don’t want to go to this dark and scary place. It’s actually in going to the dark and scary place. It’s kind of like when you think there’s monsters under the bed or in the closet, you turn the light on, you’re like, there isn’t any. That’s what I’ve experienced of I feel like we get either like delivered from the fire or through the fire and mine has been through the fire and while that is the more painful route, it has honestly been the more powerful route and I have always wanted like no, don’t make me go through this. And I’m like it’s actually just so gangster that I got to go through this and I realized how like if I hadn’t a) I wouldn’t have been free. I wouldn’t have been healed. I, or it could take longer. And I’m all about, I’m like the faster route. So my point in saying that was when I felt the rug pull out from under me, I like hit my knee. I just remember being like, I surrender. I was just like, this, this is more than I can do. Cause that’s the other message that’s been so clear to me is like, you have not cause you asked not. And I don’t know like if anyone else is this way, but you might think, I think I thought I was asking for help.

And it’s been so clear that I’ve been, cause even when I’m struggling, I get really quiet. And so in my head, it’s kind of like being in a relationship where you expect them to know what you need or read your thoughts. And I was like, that is the way that I’ve been navigating life. I’m not asking for help. I’m not saying what I want and need. And I’m, so I’m not getting help, you know, or I’m not tuned into it or whatever. So I just was like, I can’t do this. It’s more than I can do. I’m willing to like do anything I ought to do. I want to move through this quickly. Here’s what I want to happen but I trust and like surrender to the best and highest. But also I just was like, we gotta meet this storm head on because I wanna move through it quickly. I don’t have 10 more years to give to this thing. So it was just like move me through it. And now I feel like I’m coming out the other side of that. And I’m like so abundantly grateful. And it’s given me so much insight to how I could have maybe approached things and not taken 10 years, but also it’s like, it’s okay. I trust that that will all be made right and well as well in some way. Like none of it’s ever wasted. And I think it’s really our resistance, to be honest, that makes things take longer. So that’s another cheat code I’m happy to share. Surrender sooner. That’s my hashtag.

Kate (1:07:31)

Yeah. Well, Sara, thank you so much. There’s so much in there that I think is really valuable for people. Really understanding that our healing journey is what our healing journey will be, you know, and yes, we have the power of hindsight in these moments where we could have, you know, fast tracked things, but again, let yourself be where you are because it’s not easy and it is what it is, right? And we are learning and we’re coming back to things. I really see our healing and in our awakening as this sort of like we just come back, we circle through, we heal another layer, we go a bit deeper. And as we’re growing and moving forward, we’re going to have still these things come forth. This healing journey really doesn’t ever end. We just know, we just, we learn how to surrender more. We have less resistance. We trust, we open, we find the modalities that work. And I really think what’s powerful from today’s conversation is really understanding that our physical bodies are a part of this healing journey. And not just the top layer of our physical bodies, but like deeper as you guys were talking about that connective tissue, that fascia, that, you know, we just don’t really realize that holds emotion, it holds trauma, it holds energetic imprints that when we can get in deep there and allow a physical surrender in a sense, that helps us release even more to then, as you said, just feel sort of open and light, you know, and even within our own brain, how we feel in our heads, for our nervous systems to feel it has a greater capacity for what we’re experiencing. So for anyone listening, we’ll share the organization that you trained through and some other links that if you have any that you think are, you know, worthwhile for people to start to learn about the great modalities that have worked for you. Yeah, that’d be amazing. Amanda, anything else you want to say?

SaraMae Hollandsworth (1:09:16)

Yeah, I’m happy to share.

Amanda (1:09:21)

No, big conversations. Thank you for sharing with us so openly about your journey. And truly you’re an inspiration as far as, you know, where you’ve been, what you’ve been through, where you’re going and how you’re, you know, serving others with what happened, you know, with the gifts that you’ve received and the work that you’ve done through your own experience. So yeah, thank you for sharing

SaraMae Hollandsworth (1:09:48)

Thank you, it’s an honor.

Kate (1:09:50)

You’re amazing Sara Mae. So thank you everyone. Thank you everyone for listening and we’ll join you in the next episode.