Amanda’s Awakening Journey

Kate (00:00)

Welcome back to the Awakening Conversations podcast. We’re so happy to have you tuning in for another episode. Today, we are going to be diving into and learning more about Amanda’s personal journey with awakening. And we haven’t actually had a full conversation to really discover each other’s stories. But what I do know is that Amanda has had a, has a very powerful story to share.

 

And I’m really looking forward to unpacking that rather than me telling you what I know. Amanda, I’m just going to get you to begin here. Where should we start? I think why don’t you bring forth for us first and foremost what it was for you that became the moment when you understood or the experience that you had that really led you to this understanding that I’m having an awakening or that something’s different here, because I know that from this point, a lot more unraveled for you. So if you could share with us what initially happened for you and what that journey was like.

 

Amanda (01:07)

So in retrospect, I’ve had many awakening experiences, mostly I would say in my adult years after 20 or so. However, I wasn’t aware that I was what those were. I had no context or framework to know that I was I went through an awakening experience, not until I had a bigger more impactful awakening did I understand that I’ve had been having these experiences throughout my life. 

 

And this came in the form of my mom passing away. This was in 2018. She had, she developed a rare form of cancer and three and a half months later she passed away. And that, created this, I’d say a portal, a portal in which I really started to see life, death in different ways and start to question why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing to witness my mom be at the end of her life and having regrets as far as what she didn’t do. And also my relationship with my mom.

 

It really put things into perspective for me about how I was living my life. And well, even though I did go through the, even though like her death experience was this awakening, I still didn’t know that it was an awakening. Because I didn’t know anything. I didn’t really know much about this awakening process. But that experience pushed me to begin to, be in experiences where I would get the information to then make sense of the experience that I went through. So, and so it’s, it’s actually been, I’d say ever since I’m still like, it’s still, I’d say integrating that experience. I mean, I’ve had a lot more awakening experiences since then, little, little to a smaller degree that have, continue this awakening process for myself. But I can go into more detail too about that process. Specifically, what was it about my mom passing away? If you wanna dive into any of that.

 

Kate (03:44)

Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I would love that. I would love that because I think your experience really highlights that, you know, these big questions are a door that opens for us. And it’s then as we talked about last week, when we have this awareness of these big questions and we go on the journey to answer them, this is the unfolding process. This is the unraveling process. This is the, the, the realizations that we have of, wow, there’s, there’s something else here. So if you could share with us in more detail, um, this experience and how this all came about, that would be, that would be very valuable.

 

Amanda (04:21)

Yeah, so I’ll back up and share that my relationship with my mom I see was one of, I’d say somewhat codependency. And there was like a bit of, I developed a bit of a savior complex through wanting to unconsciously help my mom. And I look back and I was a very, that I was very empathic or I am very empathic, but I was an empathic child.

 

And I could feel and sense the emotions of those specifically close to me and my mom being my primary caretaker, I could feel her emotions. And somehow I felt responsible for helping her in many aspects of her life. That led me to want to go into the healing profession. I became a naturopathic doctor because I felt I it was imprinted in me to help others, from what I learned from that relationship and that dynamic with my mom.  I didn’t stay within that profession. I left, I graduated and, practiced for about four years. And then I have two, I had a one year old at the time and a four year old at the time. So I was trying to do it all both the, profession and also raise these young kids believing that I can do both well. And I was struggling and I was miserable. And finally I left. That was two years prior to my mom passing away. 

 

And that’s another awakening experience where I had to start to look at like, who am I without this identity, without this profession? And I mention this because it’s connected to my relationship with my mom and her process of getting this cancer diagnosis and then eventually passing away. So I left that profession and in retrospect, I realized that I went into that profession to try to save my mom. 

 

So it was quite the, almost like the humbling experience to recognize that she has this cancer that nothing, really nothing could have been done. Maybe something could have, but it was just this, like, she was pretty advanced by the time we realized what was going on specifically. But through my training and through my experience, I sensed that she had cancer before she was diagnosed when she started telling me the symptoms that she had. But I had gone through, part of my process in school was, I think, as a child, young adult, and in my profession, I learned that I didn’t trust my intuition.

 

And so there was this disconnect between trusting what I feel and like, listening to what are they saying outside of me as far as the answers. Like there was this inner conflict I’d say where I didn’t trust myself. And so that was part of why I struggled in this path was because I didn’t trust myself. I had learned to discount what I felt intuitively. But when my mom developed these symptoms, I sensed that she had cancer.

 

But I didn’t obviously didn’t want that to be, I wanted to be wrong, right? Like I wanted to be incorrect. And, but as she progressed and then when I finally got the call that she had cancer, that was like five months after she started developing or showing symptoms, it was a surreal message to like, a phone call to receive.

 

Amanda (08:40)

And it was like, everything stopped in my world when I received that phone call, anything that I had been worrying about, it was like, it didn’t exist. And so I, the next morning I got on an airplane to go from Oregon to Southern California. And I was with her as she learned about this diagnosis, as she was transferred to another facility and with my background, I was able to start doing research as far as it was a rare cancer, it was an aggressive cancer. What’s her prognosis? And I realized that no one was telling her what her prognosis was. What does it say about this type of cancer? They were just like, we’re gonna try this next treatment without even really giving her an explanation of why they’re doing it or you know, what, what’s our, what are her chances? And so it was my, before I left, I was there for about four days and I felt it was my responsibility to tell her what she was truly facing. 

 

And that conversation was one that really affected me on a deep level to tell my mom, you know, you know, anything could happen, but this cancer doesn’t have a great prognosis. And I just, something I learned in school from one of my favorite teachers was that with cancer, it’s not always healing the cancer. Curing the cancer is not always the healing process. Sometimes this expects coming to terms with your life and also coming to terms with your death. And that stuck with me for my education. 

 

And so I was here with my mom and I felt that she should know rather than have this, you know, I’m all for miracles and positive perspectives and at the same time, if we’re only focused on like curing this cancer, we can’t be with the magic that comes through accepting the path of death. And so I shared with her before I left that, and it was such a hard conversation to have. 

 

However, she, in retrospect, I know it was necessary because that was, she realized you know, what was ahead of her potentially. And she said, which something she said that has affected the course of my life was I thought I had more time. And which, you know, doesn’t seem like it seems very simple, but it’s really those there’s a lot of those simple little lines throughout this experience that has stuck with me and has changed the course of my life because that line, you know, to see someone say that and the wheels turning in their heads of like, you know, their life passing before their eyes of what they didn’t do and what, you know, the dreams that they were sitting on, like really, like she had dreams that just hadn’t manifested.

 

And so it made me start to think what dreams have I been sitting on? What have I not been making happen? Where have I been afraid to truly live my life? And it turns out that there was a lot of ways that I was doing that. So that was the initial finding out that she might not make it. And I went through, because I was able to accept that she, or like cognitively be aware that she might die.

 

I was able to go through all the stages of the grief process while she was still alive. And so by the time she actually passed away, I had come to acceptance of her death. I was with her for two weeks prior to her passing away. And I had already, I had come from Oregon to California to be with her knowing that she was going to die. And that allowed us to have like every conversation was different because you know that every conversation we have might be the last conversation we have with a person, but we don’t really, aren’t aware of that. We always think there’s gonna be more time. 

 

And so we were able to have, the conversations were just different. They were, you know, we were able to have conversations about how she wanted to celebrate her end of life. And so by the time she passed away, I was able to be in such a high state of gratitude for how, not because she passed away, but because there was a time where we were estranged for a period of time. That was before I had kids. And I was able to see how grateful I was that I was able to come to a place of forgiveness and that all the time that we were able to have. And what if I had just stayed angry at her and not forgiven her? And I didn’t have that time. What if my kids didn’t know their grandma? So it was just like, I was able to accept what was. 

 

And it was like the joy and the sorrow and all of it ,allowed me to get like I was in this really high vibratory place. I didn’t know really what that was at the time, but it was this feeling that everything is beautiful. Like you talk about the divine, like experiencing the divine, like life was just beautiful, even though my mom had just died, right? Like that’s does not cognitively seem to work, but that’s what it was. And so that allowed me to then get to a place where it just started me on this other path where the impetus to transform my life was able to come in. And then within 10 months, my family and I, we sold our house and we sold most of our possessions and we moved to Costa Rica. So because of this idea that like, if not now, then when, right?

 

Kate (15:50)

Mm hmm. Such an incredible story and such a powerful experience. Like, you know, I think to myself as I hear that, what a gift in many ways that experience was maybe for both of you to be able to come to that point, you with your background as a doctor, to hold the space, to be honest with her, to walk her through that experience as you even said of and I wrote it down because it was so amazing the magic of facing the path of death and in that even as you said that how potentially for her even in that final stage of her life was an opportunity to have an awakening for herself to to meet life where it is and to then even in the in the final days of her life experience a fullness, or a difference, or a shift, or a healing.

 

Kate (16:44)

And an opening and as you described even with your own relationship, how in those final days, how you could come to that deep place of gratitude and forgiveness. And what a powerful experience, not only in that, but then how that’s that, that deeper question that she said of like, I thought I had more time was then like a handing over to you of like, well, you know, you know, you get to begin again too, in some ways. So, what an incredible experience. And so that really did prompt you to, to seek the answer to that question. When we have that kind of question, I feel like that’s, you know, you’ve made good on it. You’ve packed up the family and moved to Costa Rica. And I know that wasn’t the last stop, but these questions give us not only this clarity, but also sometimes it comes with, well, you know, there’s challenge in that too.

 

How did you take that and just be like, okay, no, I’ve got to just totally overhaul my life. Because so many people can hold that question, hold that and be like, but I can’t, like, I’ve got all of these obligations. So what was it for you that really made it seem like, well, actually, the answer to this question is that I do have to change something. And really, what was the motivation to pack up and go to Costa Rica? Like what was happening for you at that moment? And if all of that makes sense.

 

Amanda (17:54)

I think let’s back up. So it was really like this three month period. Like I told you how things stopped in a way. And there was just so much more presence, I would say, and recognition that I remember being at my parents’ house and thinking about my family patterns and recognizing that these patterns are going to continue unless I consciously do something to change the trajectory that we were on. And so I saw myself at the end of my life and having regrets that I didn’t do it, do something different.

 

And then, then, so I went back to California three times during her illness and the last time was for two weeks and I basically, well, there’s this like really cool story of synchronicity that maybe I will tell or maybe I won’t tell depending upon if we have time, was an opening of like, an indicator that there’s like something more that’s happening here, that there’s the guidance that’s happening, that there’s something beyond just the logical and the rational that was happening in this period of time. 

 

And I would say that I was struggling financially, I was struggling with that whole identity piece. I’ve come to learn that money has been my path of growth in my life. Figuring out my relationship with money is my most challenging, it’s what I came here to work through among other things, but I’d say that’s my big one. And as I see it, it’s through creating my own path. And, you know, there’s all multiple things combined with it. But I’ve been a someone who’s been trying to figure out this alternative way of making money, not like not being able to be at home with my kids and also bring in an income. It’s something that I was working with that I’ve had many ideas. And so, there was also shame and guilt associated with not having figured it out yet. And there was just this energy that came through that time where it’s like, I know that things can work differently. I know that things can work out for us.

 

I think I was like opened to spirituality through that period of time. So backing up, I was with my grandfather during his end of life experience, and I was opened up to some supernatural through his passing, through his process and just recognizing that he was connected to the other side before he went. His mom came to visit him, my grandma came to visit him. He was a very rational person, but when he was very close to death, he was telling us these things. I was in my early 20s at the time, so that always stuck with me. Then when my mom was, you know, she went into a deep sleep for the last week. But prior to that, she was saying how she did not. She doesn’t know what she believes. She doesn’t know if there’s anything on the other side. She was a little bit fearful. And like I just instinctively. Said to her, oh, you’re going to be with us when once you go, there’s no doubt in my mind that you’re going to be with us.

 

Amanda (22:36)

It was like that experience my grandfather had planted the seed that our loved ones don’t leave us once we pass on. And so I was able to say that was such conviction that I think it maybe convinced her and she didn’t seem fearful. And my parents had had a hummingbird feeder in their backyard and my mom loves sitting up and watching the hummingbirds. She loved hummingbirds.

 

Amanda (23:05)

And I was like, oh, you will, you’ll come back to us as a hummingbird. And after she passed on, like we got a hummingbird feeder and I had these encounters with hummingbirds that were like very pivotal to like this path going forward. So it was, I think it was a combination of so many different things that happened during this very present, very surreal time that it just shifted the energy to then make my focus different.

 

Amanda (23:35)

And it’s not, I can’t like pinpoint one thing. It was just this like all of it together that created this trajectory. And then I serendipitously connected with a teacher who suggested this move to Costa Rica, which I had wanted to, I had been sitting on this idea of being a digital nomad for multiple years, but it was, you know, like my mom had been doing sitting on these dreams and not actually believing you can make, like that they could actually could be made and brought into reality.

 

And so then it was this process of beginning to convince my husband, like, hey, this is a good thing that we should do. You should quit your job and we should go do this thing that our parents, our parents and family members are going to think we’re crazy to do, but we should, we should do that with our two kids. And so it, I just had this conviction that I didn’t have before because I knew that life is fleeting, it’s not guaranteed, it’s like if not now then when?

 

Kate (24:50)

That’s so amazing. I want to also speak to this experience where you’re talking about the deep presence. Two things come up for me. My dad, not long after he turned 50, I think in his mind, he was convinced that he wasn’t going to live past 50 because his brother hadn’t, his father hadn’t. And a couple of weeks later, he got epiglottitis, which is the little flap above your, you know, your lungs and it’s swell, it’s swelled up to the size of a tennis ball and he was in an emergency and they had to put in a tracheotomy. But when he came to after his surgery, he started coughing and some blood vessels burst and all the things. So he was in ICU for a week on life support and that presence that you speak of, I can remember when I walked into the hospital room and saw my dad’s body in a bed being, you know, kept alive by these tubes in his throat, like the level of deep presence where.

 

I’ve never, to my life at that point, and I was probably in my late teens, experienced that state of mind where there’s nothing but this. It was mind blowing, that presence of there’s only me and this experience. And the second thing I will say to that is similarly for me too, in my awakening journey, there was that shift again, where our mind gets out of the way.

 

Kate (26:16)

We open to the fact that there’s something else here when we’re in that deep presence, this new energy that you speak of. So I really feel like what we’re really touching here on is how these awakening moments are really helping us see two things. We are, as we will probably discuss in more detail, we are a soul and we are a human.

 

Our human has a mind, it has all the stories, it has all the fears, it has all the reasons why not to do something, has all the doubts that can hold us in this, you know, holding pattern perhaps of our lives, of waiting for something else to be better before we do things. And yet there are these moments and opportunities where we can really look at our lives and we can bring these experiences on ourselves. You know, in our cases we’ve had, you know, it life brought us to our knees in some ways or to these experiences, because of course, I think we’ll talk about this to our soul wanted us to have these experiences. 

 

But, you know, in that we are able to sort of, you know, move that human part aside to experience this other energy and a presence practice in itself is a powerful tool to know that there is something more there. There is like, even for you, there’s intuitive knowing that if I really listen to these, where are they guiding me? What are they telling me? Um, and who is that version of me and, and why do I have that? And, and, you know, I just really love your story.

 

Kate (27:49)

So here you are in this place where you’ve had this incredible experience, that’s really asking you to look at these deeper questions. And you’ve also spoken to the fact that in retrospect, you’re able to look back and know that there’ve been these other moments in your life that have been these also kind of like smaller mini awakenings. Here you are in this place, moving to Costa Rica. Do you still have an idea that, or even after the passing of your mom, that this is an awakening experience or, what was it that led you to really have this deeper knowing of that? And then also to see where, how your life has actually been multiple of those moments.

 

Amanda (28:28)

Yeah, so no, I didn’t know that I didn’t know I was going through an awakening experience when it was happening. But I was, as I said, I was open. I was open to new possibilities and as I mentioned, a very powerful synchronicity happened during that time. And it was almost, it was so obviously, not, it could not have been a coincidence that this happened as it was. It was clearly guided and orchestrated for this to happen as it did. And that, that got me curious and started, and then some more synchronicities began to occur. And then, so I was guided to a teacher who then started planting some seeds that helped me start to look back at this experience.

 

Amanda (29:25)

And really, I think multiple years, like making sense of my mom’s passing has been a multi -year process and it probably will still continue, like to some degree, like I understand it much more now through all of the different plant, you know, plant medicine that I’ve done, the different types of modalities that I’ve dived into since then. But, yeah, it wasn’t until I started working with someone that was guiding me that made these ideas and concepts start to make sense. And then I could look back at that experience and recognize, okay, this was an awakening experience. And then look back at the other experiences and recognize that those were little awakening experiences as well.

 

Kate (30:05)

Amazing. When you’ve had that understanding, does that, do you feel like when you’ve really been able to label that of like, okay, well, that’s, that’s, that was an awakening. And then looking back on those other times in your life, did that have another level of shift for you? Did what, what was that experience like to look back and kind of see that there’s been a path here? There’s been a, you know, there have been these moments. Like, what was that like for you to, to have that experience? You know, how did that affect your life in that moment? What did you do with that?

 

Amanda (30:50)

Well, I wouldn’t say it was one moment. It was like multiple like a-has over time and then starting to, oh, okay, there’s another one. There’s another one. And, but I think I started to accept my life more because my life felt less random. It felt like my life made more sense. And because like I’ve never had a real like job, I’d say. Like I’ve never  worked like for a corporation, like a nine to five job. Like, and I always felt like maybe there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t follow the same path that everyone else was taking. And yet I’ve come to recognize that I wasn’t like, I didn’t come here to do that. I came here to do something different. 

 

And so, there’s more acceptance of my different path in life. And so, and therefore there’s more peace, there’s more self acceptance, there’s more self love, there’s less anxiety that like, what am I doing here? I don’t know what, like, what am I supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to be living like everyone else or am I really supposed to be following my inner truth, my inner path? And the more I’ve unraveled this, the more that I see, yes, I’m meant to follow my own path. 

 

Kate (32:01)

That’s beautiful. And so what I’m hearing you really speak to are the gifts of what awakening has bought you. This, this sense of self acceptance. And I want to say maybe there’s even in there, like a self forgiveness for being hard on yourself or like, you know, is there something wrong with you? 

 

And then, I mean, I know we’ve spoken about this off, you know, off the podcast before, but self responsibility is something that we’ve both said has been something that’s come out of that. And I, when I think of that, I think for you that this choice, listening to this question that your mother or her statement of, you know, I think I thought I had more time, like for you that really unlocked a sense of self responsibility. Do you want to speak to that a little bit more like how that’s been a powerful piece of your journey and you know, how, how that’s felt for you to, to harness that.

 

Amanda (32:56)

Yeah, so looking back, I think it was almost like I had become aware of something that, yes, I could ignore, but at the same time, I couldn’t ignore it either. And so I had to like take the next steps to do the work, to overcome my fears, that I’m supposed to do this work. And a lot of what I’ve come to learn is that I’m here to break family patterns, to change this trajectory. So I heal the lines of my ancestry. Like that’s part of why I’m here. 

 

And I look back and it’s like, oh yeah, I went into psychology so I could understand marriage and family dynamics. Like I didn’t actually get a job in psychology, but that’s what drove my interest in psychology. Then I went into naturopathic medicine because I wanted to fix things, which led me to recognize that there are patterns that I’ve inherited. And so a lot of my self -responsibility has been in specifically with my family and recognizing how if I’m unconscious to my patterns, I’m passing those patterns on to my kids. And that that’s what I’m here to do is to be, do that to the best of my ability. There’s this dance between self-forgiveness for not, I’m never gonna be perfect. 

 

And at the same time, I have the ability, to become conscious of how I’m existing and how I’m parenting and how I am in a relationship with my husband. And, you know, my husband and I, we came into our marriage in the somewhat unconscious, you know, unconscious to a lot of our patterns. Like we came in with patterns that we both inherited from our families. We complimented each other and that worked for some time. And then what happened was like, we were directed to, like we went to Costa Rica and we had to deal with things that we were just ignoring. And that whole process began, like we were pushed there so then we could begin this work to begin to heal, to become more conscious of how we’re living, how we are unconsciously affecting our children. So, it wasn’t just to go live, you know, pura vida life, you know, but there was, but it created the environment that would support us. It was a very healing place to begin to do that healing work. 

 

And yeah, I’d say self responsibility is recognizing that each of us are responsible for what we bring to the dynamic. I’d say that’s where self responsibility has come in the most for me and has been the hardest, but the most fulfilling and rewarding is to recognize that we are each responsible for our own emotions, for our own patterns. And there was like an unconscious merging before and like we’ve been able to like untangle, disentangle.

 

And to be more, you know, we’re obviously still doing work, you know, we’re not to enlightenment or anything, but we’re in a very different place than we were, I would say five years ago when we started this process. So yeah, I think we were pushed to be able to parent our kids in a different way on this journey.

 

Kate (36:43)

And again, I think you’re really speaking to like the gifts of what can come through with these, you know, moments, these experiences where we get handed back the reins of our lives. And we, you know, it’s a, it’s a self responsibility, self forgiveness, self acceptance, deeper self love. And when we have those strengths and in us, we are innately different people to our children, to others, you know, and we are healing our lines or our patterns.

 

And what I’ve said here a couple of times is these are the gifts, but what you are also speaking to is actually what this gives you prior to the gift is now we do the work. So there’s a healing process, right? There’s a actually a turning inward and facing, well, here’s all the ways that I have not been, you know, honoring my, my dreams, my potential, my, uh, whatever it is. 

 

So for you, and I know that you’ve had, as you’ve spoken about, especially from this point in time, you did then go on a sort of healing path and probably even in your prior experiences, without really fully realizing you were doing it, maybe, but maybe you can speak to that. What were the modalities then that you sort of were drawn to, started to tap into that really helped you get to your gift moments that, you know, these awakening experiences opened for you? What was that path like for you? What modalities did you lean into?

 

What was it that helped you arrive at those moments where the gifts kind of actualized into your life?

 

Amanda (38:36)

Yeah, I would say that I would say that my background in terms of psychology, just like how my mind thinks, how I intuitively understand dynamics, I think was a good base. And then also the modalities that I experienced through my naturopathic medicine experience, like I did in energy medicine. And yeah, just I think how my mind works. I understand healing.

 

However, although those modalities were utilized, I was still existing within the framework of the hustle culture and the energy of the United States. So really removing ourselves from that energy played a big role in our abilities to heal.

 

So we went to a we moved to a regenerative agriculture farm in Costa Rica where our internet was like three megabytes per second maximum. So we struggled with internet connection, but we had this beautiful porch that overlooked the Pacific Ocean far off in the distance and we had all these animals and I think that really reset our nervous systems and,

 

Amanda (39:59)

but we spent a lot of time on that porch talking, hard conversations, not easy conversations that wouldn’t have been possible back in our old life. So that’s not really a modality, but it was changing our circumstances to create the space for us to have, to begin to have these conversations. And this work has happened over years, but that was sort of…

 

Amanda (40:29)

So we landed at a place called St. Michael’s, which I didn’t know at the time anything about Archangel Michael. And now we live in a place called San Miguel, which is also St. Michael. So we’ve been very, I think, held and protected by Archangel Michael through our journey. But it was almost like those six months there, that was prior to COVID. It’s like, we did all this work on the porch, I would say, that put us in a place where we could handle what came in 2020. But also, that was us together, but individually, I sought out experiences, I sought out like sound healing, I went to a yoga retreat, I felt called to begin working with plant medicine. And I ignorantly found my way to a Bufo Alvarius ceremony, which now I know Bufo is not one you start with, but I did. And that was a big experience for me. 

 

What else? John began inner child healing work, which then I started doing the inner child healing work because that taught us a lot about how we are with each other, with our kids, just a lot of awareness and also tools like breathwork to begin to become aware of our nervous system and how we are, what are our patterns? Like what’s our tendencies? Are we avoidant? Do we leave? Like what’s our patterns? Like what are our, when we’re in a difficult situation, what do we do? So there’s just a lot of learning about ourselves that happened during this time.

 

And so I’d say that’s what happened at the beginning. And then there’s been a lot more, I’ve done a lot more plant medicine, not regularly, but I’ve done a lot more plant medicine. I started a regular meditation practice, a daily meditation practice, which is actually on pause, because I’ve, with our new puppy that we have, but I will return to it because it is an integral part for my well-being and my own personal growth. 

 

So, a daily meditation practice, working with oracle cards and I’m working with tarot. Studying the gene keys has been a big part. So there’s been a lot of different things that have come in at different times that have been supportive to just help me understand who I am, what it is I’m here to do, how to get me more in my body, like more embodiment, because I have a tendency to leave my body. So that’s the last year has been a lot more embodiment work. So it’s kind of like, it’s been different things at different stages. And as I keep going, it will probably be other things as well.

 

Kate (43:17)

Do you think that your meditation practice though is more of a consistent one as opposed to something that comes and goes? Or is there anything that you say is like a staple foundational thing and then others are sort of the tap into’s?

 

Amanda (43:47)

Before the puppy, yes, it was like a non -negotiable. Now I’m kind of like in, got to do, like got to get through this, but yeah, it’s feeling like it’s ready to come back in. Like we’re, the puppy was sick, as you know. And so I think if the puppy hadn’t been sick, it would have, I would be back to it by now. Cause we would have had some, a little more regularity and stability then we have had in the past two and a half weeks. So yes, the meditation has been,you know, I would meditate for an hour or more. I mean, it’d be meditating, journaling, um, doing some sort of either cards or Gene Key study during that time. So, it’d be a mix, but it’d be a time where I, I’m, I’m committed to this development and cultivation of learning about myself and connecting with energy, moving energy.

 

Kate (44:45)

Yeah, beautiful. Yeah. I think, you know, it’s so said, you know, our meditation practice, the journaling practice, but there’s a reason for that because it is that practice where we can shift the mind. We can have that presence as you spoke to before, where we feel that different energy, which is, you know, the soul part of us, the, you know, higher consciousness, like the universe, God, whatever we want to refer to it as.

 

Kate (45:15)

And we, I personally believe it’s a place when we can still the mind quiet the mind or allow it to get out of the way that we can hear ourselves. We can hear that truth. We can hear, you know, what is it I am really here to do? What is it I really am being driven forward to act on? And we get to experience ourselves as the soul that is very much what the, you know, awakening process allows us to tap into and then bring forth and actualize. So in that.

 

How have these experiences, all of them, although we haven’t touched on all of them, really changed the trajectory of your life? And what do you think is one of the most beneficial things that has happened from your awakening journey so far, knowing that there’s still a long way ahead and you’re probably going to have more. But to date, where has that really, really bought you?

 

Amanda (46:01)

I would say that it’s brought me more peace and acceptance for where I am right now. And part of my Gene Keys profile, part of my astrology is that I’m really am meant to, parenting is part of that. And I think that I held this guilt, shame, maybe that, you know, with the whole profession, alternative, nonconventional profession and recognizing that I’m meant to be a presence in their lives. And I think that is enough of an accomplishment or not even an accomplishment, but that is just enough.

 

That’s a big one. Also, life is more fun because I have no idea where I’m gonna be at. I have this puppy, didn’t expect, didn’t plan for this month to go this way. And at the same time, it’s like so many lessons and so much growth is coming through, even though it’s hard.

 

There’s so much that’s coming through this process and it’s, that’s kind of how life has become more of an adventure and less of this, you know, following along a well -defined path. It’s like, I’ve learned to trust myself. I essentially I’ve learned to trust that I’m going to figure out my life and it’s going to work out because it’s worked out so far and it’s going to continue to work out. So yeah, I’d say trust in myself, that cultivation of trust in myself that you spoke of through the practice. And just to clarify, the consistency of the practice is something that’s like, has developed over these past, I’d say five years specifically, it was at first it wasn’t, it was hard. And then it’s become where it’s like, I crave it, I want it. It’s like something I enjoy rather than it being like a should or something on a to -do list, it’s something that I want to do. So that relationship with that practice has been very powerful and rewarding.

 

Kate (48:43)

Yeah, amazing. So what would you say then to people who are in either beginning to have some of the similar questions that you have or feel like, you know, life is, is asking more of them or they’re in this in between place of I have had an awakening or I’m starting to understand that I have, what would you say to them, you know, to give them something as a guiding light for where they’re at?

 

And from the perspective of your own journey that can help them just to feel, you know, a little bit more resourced, more resilient, more okay with where they are. That could be something that they can take with them, much like these beautiful things that your mother brought forward for you in her final moments. What would be something that you might like to share for listeners?

 

Amanda (49:33)

Yeah, I would say trust that whatever is right in front of you is there for you and it’s there for a reason. Be open to new experiences, new people, because a lot of times it’s those unexpected, maybe it’s a class or a retreat or going right instead of going left. It’s those new encounters and experiences that oftentimes bring you what’s next for you.

 

So beginning to trust that those, you know, big part of my journey has been synchronicity, intuition, trust, and I’ve had a lot of cool, crazy, synchronistic things happen. And it’s through when you get a sensation to do something out of the ordinary to trust and act on it and then see what happens. And a lot of times, and then the more that happens, the more that you can trust that feeling. And I think that’s what this process is about is learning to, we can become more self -responsible when we have that relationship with ourselves, because we no longer need to seek the answers outside of ourselves, which we are moving out of. We’re moving out of feeling disempowered and thinking that we don’t have the answers within us. 

 

And so it’s those little, having those little experiences over on an ongoing basis, it’s like a training for our path, essentially, because that’s how our path changes by listening to those impulses, acting on them and going against what feels safe, right? And also with that, it’s like beginning to cultivate a relationship with our nervous system, you know, which helps us with our intuition, right? It’s starting to recognize, like, just be aware of our triggers, our patterns, our wounds and willing to just to start in one area. You know, it’s like as my story demonstrates,  it’s a process that happens over time where we cultivate these, the connection with ourselves and our healing process is a journey. And to wrap it up, I would say yeah, we don’t need to figure it all out right now and be okay. Try your best to be okay with that.

 

Kate (52:28)

Yeah, that’s a beautiful, beautiful message. Is there anything else that you’d like to share about your journey? I know we’ve spoken about that synchronistic experience, which I’m super curious about. Do you feel like that’s something you’d like to share here and now? To give us another insight into how magical life can be.

 

Amanda (52:41)

Sure. Sure. Yeah, I’ll share it. How it works, how this one worked. So the last time I was going to be with my mom, I mentioned that I knew I was going to be with her to die, right? And I lived in Oregon, she lived in Southern California and I rented a car to drive down there. I had flown down there previously, but I rented a car this time because I didn’t know how long I would be there and I didn’t want to depend on flights and I wanted to have a car. So I rented a car and there was a CD player in the car. So I went and I dug out my old CDs from the garage. It was like this, when you know those books where you have the sleeves that put the CDs in. It was a big one, but I hadn’t listened to CDs in a long time. And I got it out and it was the night before I was gonna leave really early in the morning. So I just randomly picked, seemingly randomly picked a CD and I stuck it in the CD player to make sure it worked and it did. So I put the CDs in the car and then the next morning I left it, you know, it was pitch black still, it like four in the morning and I was listening to that CD and I’m driving down the highway.

 

And one of the songs at the end of the CD, the CD was Death Cab for Cutie. I forget the album name, but Death Cab for Cutie was the band. And the song at the end, the line was, love is watching someone die. So that line just spoke to me and it imprinted in my body in a way that, you know, I listened, I hadn’t listened to that CD in some time, but it didn’t impact me back then as it did in that moment. And that line just played and played in my head because that’s what I was going to be with my mom to die. And there was this idea that just being with her, watching her is an act of love. And so it felt really surreal going to be with her knowing that she was going to die. Right? Like, it’s not something I’ve ever done. 

 

And, you know, so I do that long drive, I get down there and I basically would get up in the morning and I’d go just be with her, help, you know, at this time I was helping with a lot of different things that she needed, you know, some gross things that, you know, caring for someone that you deal with. And other times I was just sitting on the couch and on my computer, she is sleeping, but I was just there. And it was that line that played over in my head that just being here with her is an act of love, right? And so, there was this show called ‘The Affair’ that, I think it was on Showtime and she had introduced me to that. Like it was on season four, I think. And she had introduced me to that show at the beginning. 

 

So she watched it. I watched it and I don’t watch a lot of shows now, but I watched that one. And, um, I noticed that she, it was halfway through the season and she didn’t want to watch this show anymore. And I reckon it occurred to me is like one of the characters was dying of a a fatal cancer. And then I also realized that she recognized that she wasn’t going to be able to finish the season. She knew she was going to die. And so she she just didn’t want to watch it anymore. And like that was just the realist, the sense that I had. I knew, sense these things. 

 

So whatever I go home, she passes, and two or three weeks later after she passed away, the season finale of the show, that character is dying, and the show ends with that same song that I listened to. That line was on that show. It was kind of obscure, right? It’s not, to have this thread, like it was just this closure moment that something else was involved in this experience. And I think looking back, I’ve had a lot of those experiences, but I always dismiss them. I oftentimes dismiss them, I would say. And this was something like that experience was so visceral, like I was so present.

 

And I was so receptive to something more that I couldn’t dismiss it anymore. And then, you know, then once you stop dismissing those experiences, more of them begin to happen. And yeah, that was the, that was the experience. And it was just this like, that line made it so I could be there with her, which allowed me to have so many beautiful interactions, like special interactions that I might not have had if I was trying to escape, right? If I was trying to like not feel the discomfort of being there and witnessing her. And even like the last week I was there, she was in a deep sleep and I kind of felt like I wasn’t doing anything, but I was by just being in that in her presence and just kind of like you know I think she was in a she was connecting to the other side and I think I got some of that by just being there.

 

Kate (58:35)

Amanda, thank you so much for sharing all of your story and, and leaving us with that beautiful, you know, closing out of what was an experience for you, the fullness of that moment and really showing us that in a massive way, life is speaking to us. If we are present enough to witness it and see it and be open to it and allow it and what a gift that can be when we do.

 

Kate (59:16)

So thank you for everything that you shared. As we close up here, if anyone has a question from Amanda’s journey that they listened to or something they’d like to share about their own, we love to have your comments either here, via our website, depending where you’re watching this or our YouTube channel. I think you can get in touch with us, maybe as a comment on our podcast platform as well. We’d love to hear from you.

 

If you also have an awakening story you’d like to share with us, we’d love you to get in touch with us on our website. If there’s other things you want to share with us, we love all of that. And of course, if you enjoyed this, we’d love you to share this episode or subscribe to both podcasts or the YouTube channel, do all those lovely things. Amanda, thank you so much for everything you shared.

 

Amanda (1:00:05)

Well, thank you for asking such good questions.

 

Kate (1:00:07)

You’re welcome. Well, thank you everyone for listening and we’ll speak to you again on our next episode.